Let me stand by your side
by Ellstra
Summary: Jim notices his First officer and best friend acts strangely and tries to find out what happened. When he finds out, there is a whole new world opened before him, one he didn't even think of before. Now he is supposed to choose - will he enter it or not? A strange incident makes the decision for him and now he has to convince others it is his choice as well.
1. Disease

_**A.N.: I´m completely new to this fandom but I´m becoming hopelessly obssessed with it. Please, be patient with me if there are any mistakes. :)**_

_**Enjoy the chapter. :)**_

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Jim had been watching his first officer for the whole afternoon. He usually did so when there wasn´t anything better to do – and it usually wasn´t these days because they were travelling through deep space with absolutely no distraction. Jim had no idea why he found Spock so interesting to watch – there had been times when he hadn´t been able to even look at him without urge to vomit – but watching Spock was as good as watching anybody else, wasn´t it?

And Spock was acting strange that day, there were no doubts about it and Jim was trying to figure out what made his friend do so. He was used to see the half-Vulcan being stiff and acting only professionally, but it was much worse that day. His expression didn´t change at all, his eyes focused on the screen in front of him as if there was something extraordinary interesting going on in there. Jim even went to see if his Commander wasn´t watching some film – in his case probably something as amusing as some document about women knitting socks in the eighteenth century – but Spock´s screen looked exactly the same as any other on the bridge – and that meant nothing but black space.

Jim had been asking him questions and Spock had always answered but he´d used only the words which were neccessary. And that was very strange for Spock as he usually said five sentences instead of five words. Jim was worried – not about the crew or Enterprise because Spock would never do anything what might endanger any of them – but about his friend. Jim hated himself for not being able to find out – he was sure Spock would have known what was the matter with him six hours and fourty-five minutes before. He was sure it was something ordinary but he couldn´t see it. With Spock hiding everything he felt it wasn´t particularly easy to figure out what was in his mind. And Jim has never been especially good at emphatizing.

Then his eyes lay on the place Lieutenant Uhura was sitting with eyes blindly staring in front of her, not really seing what was going on. _What the hell is this?_ Jim thought as his eyes flickered between his Lieutenant and First Officer. He noticed the two of them avoided sight of each other as much as possible. Which fortunately for them was easy with nothing going on. Did something happen between them? Jim knew they had had some problems but he thought they got over that. Maybe they didn´t.

Jim wanted to ask them but he thought it would be better to do so after their watch was over and in private. He wondered who of them to ask since Spock was his friend much more than Uhura was and therefore if he was supposed to choose one of them to cause pain to, he didn´t hesitate to choose the Lieutenant. It surprised him but he found himself feeling almost tenderness towards the half-Vulcan, he wanted to spare him from any harm what could possibly happen to him. It was very strange thought for Jim – he had never felt that before, at least he didn´t remember.

He almost stood up to talk to Uhura but then he changed his mind and moved in his chair again. He didn´t notice he had been shifting around all the time, worrying about Spock. He was so dedicated to the problem he didn´t realise he acted strange as well. Chekov glanced at Sulu and they grinned at each other and Chekov used his fingers to signalize number fifteen. Sulu nodded in agreement and silently turned back to his screen before he started to laugh. Chekov just smiled and watched the Captain for a few next minutes. He had to admit Captain Kirk was very distracted that day. Normally he would notice Chekov and Sulu were playing a game of ´How many times the Captain looks at Mr Spock and immediately looks back´, but that day he had no idea. And that made the game a little bit less amusing.

Jim wanted the watch to be over so he would be able to leave his position in Captain´s chair without everybody realising something was wrong. If he left now everybody would be suspicious – well everybody except Spock and Uhura, probably. He had never wanted to leave the chair but now it was almost painful. He was even telling himself how much time was left from the watch – and he was saying it like Spock would. Right now there were seven minutes and twenty-one seconds left, which meant he had about eight minutes and fourteen seconds to think about what he will say to either Uhura or Spock.

Jim shook his head as he realised how strange he was. Maybe there was some disease spreading over the ship, making people act like they would never do normally. Jim smiled as he was sure that was the case. Of course it wasn´t pleasant but at least he knew how to solve that. He decided to go to Sick bay to visit Bones before he made anything including Spock. Maybe they were only ill.

When the watch was over he ran from the Bridge as quickly as possible. He didn´t even try to look over his shoulder and make sure everything was alright. He went to get something to eat and with food in hands he headed to the Sick bay.

„Hey. What is the great Captain doing here?" McCoy came to Jim and took a piece of meat from Jim´s plate. Kirk tried to complain but his food had already disappeared from world so he gave up.

„I have a suspicion there is some strange illness affecting me and some members of my crew and I want you to examine it." Jim sat down and began to eat. Bones had been watching him for a little while and then sat beside him with worried look.

„What the hell´s wrong with you?" The doctor scanned Jim carefully. Captain didn´t look up from his plate because he was afraid he was blushing. Now when he thought about that he realised he was talking like…

„Spock. He´s acting strange. I´m worried about him." Jim murmured even though it wasn´t actually answer for the question.

„You´re acting strange. Damn it, Jim, you were talking like him. Don´t you feel anything strange, don´t you have a fever or-"

„I´m perfectly alright!" Jim´s voice snapped like crack of a whip. His blue eyes glared at the doctor who was very astonished. He had seen his friend angry but this was odd.

„Why did you actually come here? You said you had some illness, didn´t you? So let me examine you."

„I´m sorry. I just… sorry." Kirk´s blue eyes roamed across the room.

„So what is that? Why do you think you´re ill?" McCoy tried to act professionally, but he knew his expression looked like everything but calm. He had seen Jim becoming unhealthily dependent on Spock – whatever the Captain said, he had seen it – and this only proved he was right.

„I feel strange, maybe I´m just bored or something, but I found myself watching Spock all the day and I was talking to myself in his voice and I wanted the watch to be over and… I don´t know. Maybe I´m just exhausted." Jim sighed and put the unfinished meal aside. Bones raised an eyebrow in its direction. Jim usually ate everything what was in his way. Or – as he would now say – in the distance of 10.45 metres from him. McCoy shook his head and took the plate as he was hungry anyway.

„Exhausted?! Jim, I´ve seen you exhausted and you´ve never felt yourself being attracted to the hobgoblin. There is something really wrong with you, maybe you have some kind of the new flu I´ve discovered, I shall examine you later. You´ve said there are other people affected by this illness. Who are they?" McCoy´s sight met Jim´s and the doctor had to look away. There was a shine in Captain´s eyes, shine of determination he didn´t understand.

„I´m not attracted to Spock, Bones. He´s my friend and therefore I have to be concerned about him. If you acted like that, I would be worried as well. It doesn´t have anything to do with any possible feelings I might have for Spock." Jim glared.

„Okay, we´ll discuss this later. But now, who are the other ill ones?" McCoy demanded the answer Jim seemed to be determined to hide.

„Spock, of course. Haven´t I said it already?" Jim frowned as he tried to remember. „And Lieutenant Uhura."

„Don´t you think they might just have some… you know… problems?" Jim looked surprised.

„Do they? I thought it got better with them." Bones shook his head as he found out how stupid his friend could be sometimes.

„Honestly, Jim, sometimes you´re even more ignorant than your Vulcan friend." Bones laughed. Then his expression went to serious again. „Never mind. You really don´t know? They broke up yesterday."

„What?" Jim yelped. He almost waited for Bones to say: „Just joking!" in his weird accent.

„You´re really stupid. They´ve been arguing for a great amount of time. You really didn´t notice, for god´s sake?" The doctor touched Kirk´s forehead to make sure the Captain didn´t have fever.

„Well I might have noticed…Wait! Spock´s been arguing?" Jim asked, surprised.

„You act as if you´ve never seen him arguing."

„But I´ve never seen him arguing with Uhura. Hell, I´ve never seen him arguing with anybody but me." Jim stood up and started to wander across the Sick bay. He always had to be in motion when he was nervous.

„Are you jealous?" McCoy chuckled.

„What?" Jim stopped. „No, of course not, why would I?"

„Because I think you´re pretty attached to Spock and I thought you might be a bit possesive when it comes to him…"

„I don´t have a crush on Spock or anything!" Jim cried and turned around so Bones couldn´t see his cheeks were on fire. It was a spontaneous reaction. He didn´t even know why he said such a thing.

„I haven´t said you had." Leonard had enough wits not to laugh too loudly.

„Why-why did they break up?" Jim whispered, maybe too curious.

„Because of you." Bones knew there were more questions coming so he waited when they were asked. It took Jim much more time he thought it would.

„Me? Why would they argue – and break up – because of me? I´m sure you´re wrong." Kirk stood facing the wall, his back towards Bones as he didn´t want any emotion to be seen and he wasn´t sure he would be able to control himself. He didn´t realise he even held his hands joined on the small of his back just like Spock used to do.

„I´ve heard them. And I´m pretty sure I´m right."

„Why?" The word slipped through Jim´s lips before he could actually think of what he meant by saying it.

„She said he was too obssesed with you and didn´t pay any attention to her. She said she couldn´t stand that any longer and that he should have chosen – you or her." Jim felt his heart beating too fast and he tried to figure out what did that mean. Why did he care so much about why Spock broke up with Uhura. Or why she broke up with him. It was surely because he felt responsible for it and because he didn´t want them to endanger the crew and the ship with eventual disagreements or fights.

„And he said…" Jim closed his eyes to slow his breathing.

„Basically he said you." Bones admitted. „You know what he´s like, he said that shits about logic and so. It was long and nasty as he was shouting at her. I´ve never seen him so furious – maybe even that day Vulcan was destroyed and you made him angry. Oh and after that Khan incident. He was talking so quickly I didn´t probably catch every word but in fact he made it clear you were more important to him than she was."

No answer. Loud breathing.

„She wasn´t very happy to hear that."

Nothing.

„She cried. I knew I shouldn´t have intrefered so I just stood there, but it was terrible to watch. And he was just standing there as if it meant nothing to him."

No reply from the Captain. He clenched hands into fists as he tried to calm himself down.

„He was very cold. At last she asked him to put aside all the logic and tell her who would his heart choose."

Jim felt a strange feeling, almost anxiety.

„He said he would rather not answer the question."

Kirk bit his lower lip.

„She cried and begged him to speak to her."

No sound from the Captain.

„And he turned to her, looking straight into her eyes. And very slowly, without expression, he said – I´m quoting - ´I would prefer not to have to tell you as I´m aware it will cause you pain. But you obviously wish to hear so, I have to say… Jim.´"

Jim bowed his head and hid his face in hands. He didn´t want that. Even if he had sometimes wished those two broke up – for unknown reason – he would never want it to happen because of him. He had a brief moment of feeling strange sort of happiness. Spock and Uhura broke up. Spock was now unattached. Spock was now much more achievable. Jim´s mind started to picture things he had never even thought to wonder about and they were all about him and Spock doing things Spock would probably classify as illogical.

„She told him to go away and never come back. I thought he would ask what it meant as he´s sometimes so slow-witted when it comes to feelings."

Jim finally turned around to face Leonard.

„He did not. He only nodded and left. Without a word. He let her there crying, broken and went away." McCoy sighed and looked straight into Jim´s face.

„Do you know what it means?" He asked silently as he reached Jim.

„That you want to make me feel miserable?" Jim hissed, far more angrily than he intended to. „That you want to make me feel guilty? It wasn´t my fault what Spock did."

„Calm down. I didn´t want any of that. But now you´re aware of that, you have to do something about it. I know it´s hard for you, but you have to solve it. If even you noticed something was wrong it´s really neccessary to do something. You´re their Captain and therefore you should do it, but I´m afraid that since you´re the reason of their problems it wouldn´t be wisest." McCoy shook his head and to lighten the moment he ate the rest of Jim´s lunch.

„Oh, how generous of you." Kirk shouted. „Such a sacrifice. You will come like a knight in shining armour to calm Uhura down when she´s so hurt. And of course you will do it selflessly and not because you have a crush on her."

„And so what? Will _you_ do it?!" Bones exclaimed in return. „Do you think it would calm her down if she saw you when you are the reason why she´s hurt?"

„I don´t want to talk to her. She´s made Spock confused and therefore caused him pain. But I suppose you didn´t even try to look at it from his point of view." Jim turned around and walked towards the door. He didn´t want to stay there anymore as he felt he might do something he´d regret.

„No, I didn´t. What he did was unforgivable and horrible." Bones shrieked.

„Fine. Take your beloved Lieutenant Uhura and do whatever you want to – Good afternoon, Lieutenant!" Jim ran right into said woman. She looked at him with surprise. He didn´t know how much she heard and he didn´t care. Why would he hide his feelings or opinions? He ran away and didn´t respond to her confused calls. Not that she tried too much.

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**_Thanks a lot for reading. Please let me know what you think - only this can make me imrpove my writing. feel free to inform me about any mistake I´ve made because - once again - I´m completely new. Thank you. Live long in prosper._**


	2. Small talk

**_I want to thank you all who read this story and followed/reviewed etc, it means a lot to me. I am aware of the mistakes I am making and I thank you for pointing them out. I´ve just started watching TOS and I hope to get better soon._**

**_Enjoy the chapter._**

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„Spock! May I come in?" Jim wanted to ask the Vulcan for permission to enter his quarters even though the door was opened. He wanted to give his friend some space in case he needed it.

„Is there something wrong, Captain? I shall follow you to the source of the problem whatever it is. I´m ready to do any work necessary for the ship´s well-being." Spock appeared in the door frame and scanned Jim with his eyes, face expressionless as usual.

„Nothing´s wrong, calm down. I´m here to have some small talk with you for god´s sake. Or is it too illogical for you to talk to your Captain when you´re off duty?" Jim smirked. Spock was examining his face for a while and then he smiled a little. It wouldn´t be considered as a smile if it was a human´s face it was on. But Spock wasn´t a human and Jim appreciated every little expression of amusement or joy of his First Officer.

„Well, small talk is considered to be highly illogical since it´s supposed to have almost no value of information, but I´m aware it´s a usual way of spending time among humans and therefore I assume you thought it would be somehow helpful or pleasant to do such a thing." Spock said and turned around back to his room. „Do not hesitate to enter, Captain."

„Thank you Spock. I suppose it´s unnecessary to ask you to call me Jim when we´re off duty again, isn´t it?" Jim followed his friend and took a seat beside his table. As usual, he was astonished to see how quarters – used quarters – could look like. He couldn´t see Spock´s clothes so he assumed they were hidden in wardrobes – and these were closed perfectly. The shoes were in line beside the door, there was only a book on the bedside table and some papers Spock had obviously been working on before Jim came in on the bigger table. Everything put together, Jim was astonished. And ashamed as he remembered his own quarters with clothes – not all of it actually his – lying on the ground, table buried under a huge heap of mess and bed that was made up at Christmas for the last time.

„It is not logical to call you otherwise but Captain if you´re still a Captain, but because you seem to want me to call you Jim when we´re having these small talks, I can do nothing but obey as you´re still my superior." Spock sat down opposite Jim and relaxed. Kirk noticed his friend was only doing it when they were alone, otherwise he was always stiff as if he was afraid of something. He felt happy to be such a reliable person in Spock´s eyes.

„How was your day?" Jim asked casually as if he knew nothing about what happened between his friend and Lieutenant Uhura. Well, actually he didn´t know much anyway.

„Since you´re not asking me this question regularly I must assume that you either think there is something wrong with me or you don´t know how to start a conversation which does not seem very probable as you do know what to say in 97.36 percent cases." The half-Vulcan didn´t let his sight leave Jim´s face. The Captain blushed. The way Spock looked at him… it made him feel his friend knew what was going on in his head no matter how impossible it seemed to be – Jim knew Spock could see his thoughts and emotions by touch but they weren´t touching. _Unfortunately._ Jim shook his head as he started to picture things he didn´t actually want to go through his mind with Spock so close to him. He didn´t want to make his friend uncomfortable and this would definitely cause discomfort to the half-Vulcan. So he tried to deal with the too vivid ideas alone.

„I have seen you were worried about something. What was it?" he managed to ask and interrupted eye contact between them as Spock´s eyes seemed to be making holes into his brain.

„I am sorry I made you worry about me, I didn´t think anybody would notice. I apologize if it affected my actions or caused any problems and I´m prepared to take full responsibility for my actions." The tips of Spock´s ears went green, just like his cheeks did. Jim smiled for himself. Spock was _blushing_. Unbelievable.

„It didn´t affect anything and caused no troubles at all, don´t be silly. I asked you what had worried you, I didn´t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I´m not telling you off – there is nothing your absence might affect as we´re travelling through a pretty deep space with absolutely nothing going on. Just – hell, tell me what´s wrong, Spock. There´s no need to keep it for yourself. You´d feel better if you told me what troubled you." Jim leaned closer to Spock, arms resting on the table. He wanted to reach for his friend´s hand but he knew he couldn´t.

„There´s no point in telling you if it was because of making me feel better when I don´t feel anything, but I appreciate your concern." Spock did not pull away as Jim had thought he would.

„Don´t make me order you to tell me what´s the matter." Jim´s exceptionally bright blue eyes gazed at Spock with no shame, determined not to be the first to look away now. „If you don´t want to tell me because of you, tell me because of me, for god´s sake."

„I see no point in telling you as I do not believe it would make any good if I told you about any of my problems. I didn´t think it would be helpful at all and therefore I didn´t want to bother you. But because you obviously wish to hear what made me so distant – what I´m very sorry for – I´ll tell you." Spock´s face remained expressionless but Jim had to smile and shake his head. He was never going to understand this man. He was asked to speak about his problems and yet he waited for Jim to _beg _him to tell what was the matter. It was so… different and selfless he found himself admiring his friend once again.

„I definitely want you to tell me what troubled you, Spock. We´re friends and friends talk to each other when they have problems, you know?" Jim smiled and hoped it didn´t scare the half-Vulcan who always seemed to be a bit schocked when Jim spoke about any kind of relationship between them.

„I am aware that kind of behaviour is commonly associated with being friends and therefore I see you are right. Very well then." Spock breathed in. Jim watched him carefully; Spock wasn´t letting anything so visible very often. But again, it was just the two of them and he always relaxed a bit more when Jim was around.

„I am afraid I made Lieutenant Uhura feel upset or even hurt and I really did not intend to cause any harm. However I only answered her questions. And she knew Vulcans can not lie. Nevertheless she seemed to be in a that state of mind you would call ´blue´. It troubles me because I never meant to make her know about my feelings this way." The half-Vulcan stared at his hands and sometimes glanced at Jim´s as well.

„I feel sorry for her. She´s a nice woman and she doesn´t deserve this but I couldn´t really lie to her. I really wished to be able to lie because if I could tell her I was not able to choose between you two, it may be a bit less painful. I hate myself as much as I can hate anybody." Spock murmured and despite his previous statements he was obviously glad he could talk about his feelings. And Jim thanked whatever god existed he went to talk to Bones before – he wouldn´t get anything of that shit Spock was saying.

„Spock," he said softly, making his friend look up. „It is not your fault. You shouldn´t-you mustn´t blame yourself. You hurt her, but only by telling truth and being sincere, telling her how you feel. If she didn´t have suspicion something was wrong between the two of you, would she ask?" Their eyes met and for a while they just looked at each other. Jim´s eyes were warm, despite their cold colour, making Spock feel comfortable. Jim understood him. Jim tried to make him feel better. Jim was his friend.

„She wouldn´t, Spock. At least it is over now, it´s better than if it was slow and painful. I understand you feel sorry for her, but there is no point in pretending. If you didn´t feel comfortable in relationship with her, maybe it´s time to go on." Jim tried not to sound too eager. But he really wanted to keep Spock from Uhura. He liked her and she was a valuable member of crew, but he always hated when he asked Spock if he wanted to do something and he replied: „Negative, Captain, I have appointment with Lieutenant Uhura."

„Still, I am not very satisfied with the way it happened." Spock shook his head and Jim smiled slightly.

„You know, buddy, break-ups are never an easy thing." He said bitterly as he remembered some of his own.

„I am aware of that, Captain. However I suppose I have a problem of different sort than issues humans usually experience when they…" he paused to search for a word, „break up." Spock added due to lack of better expression. Jim smiled as he heard Spock use the words break up.

„When one breaks up with the latter he usually feels guilty. If he´s not completely heartless what you surely are not." Their eyes met. Jim tried to look soothingly, and Spock fell for it. If Jim said it was okay, then it must have been.

„Thank you. I shall go and apologize. I assume I acted a bit strange and I don´t want Nyota to never speak to me again." Spock stood up and Jim quickly followed him.

„A bit strange? Huh, man, I´ve heard something completely different than ´a bit strange´." He exclaimed. Confusion appeared on Spock´s face. Jim raised an eyebrow as he already felt there was something wrong.

„ I believe I acted slightly emotionally based rather than logically when I increased the loudness of my voice of fifteen percent from usual, but I wouldn´t assume that to be more than a bit strange." Spock said and tried to find out what Jim was trying to say. The latter stared at him in bewilderment. Fifteen percent. That would mean Spock was talking as loud as most people usually speak.

„Damn you, Bones." Jim murmured and promised his friend a nasty vengeance.

„I am afraid I don´t understand what you wanted to say, Jim." Spock looked even more confused. Kirk fought urge to laugh. It was not very usual to see the half-Vulcan so bemused.

„Never mind. Just that I have to talk to Bones - he tried to convince me you were yelling at Uhura. That´s why I´ve been so worried about you." Slow wave of understanding came across Spock´s face as he saw the sense in Jim´s words.

„I see. I hope I made it clear then. Now, if you didn´t mind, I would like to talk to Lieutenant Uhura." Spock didn´t want to throw his Captain out so he tried to let him know without actually saying: „get out." It took Jim a while to understand. When he did, he smiled and went out of Spock´s quarters.

„I understand if you want to be alone now, but I believe I know where Uhura is right now and I have the same way, so if you wouldn´t mind…" Jim let the end of the question unspoken, it made it look as if they were up to something more than just apologizing to ex-girlfriend for being too sincere and telling off a friend who was making fun of them.

„Not at all," Spock let a little smile slip through his determination to stay expressionless. „Where are we going then?"

„Sickbay," Jim said plainly and Spock just nodded and followed his Captain without hesitation. Whatever strange it seemed to him, he was sure Jim wasn´t making fun of him. He had no idea where this trust came from, because every time he looked into Kirk´s eyes, he could see mischief that was just about to happen. He just felt he was right. He sighed mentally as he realised he was really going somewhere with this man because he _felt_ Jim had good intentions.

„Hey, Spock?" Jim asked silently, feeling somehow less confident than usual.

„Yes, Jim?" Spock returned, enjoying his friend´s name on his tongue. Strange. He always knew names were important, it was logical to differentiate people or things. But he couldn´t understand why he liked pronouncing Jim´s name so much.

„Do you want to go somewhere with me? You know, play some chess, eat some of that strange green stuff you call food and so? Maybe a bit of chocolate?" Jim felt like an unexperienced teenager boy who is asking girl for a date. He didn´t know why. It was just that possibility, that if Spock rejects him now, it would feel like betrayal. And more than anything else, it would mean Spock didn´t actually want to break up with Uhura to be able to spend more time with Jim.

„As far as I remember we were doing exactly the same yesterday and therefore I don´t see why you would probably want to repeat it so soon." Spock made some pause. Jim felt as if somebody had taken a bucket of cold water and had poured it right at his head. So Spock didn´t want to spend time with him… Jim felt terrible as he now lost the second friend, at least for that night, with that argument with Bones. „But since you apparently wish to, I would love to accompany you. Maybe even with the chocolate." Spock added and smiled.

„That would be great," Jim let out an exhale he didn´t know he was holding.

They reached the Sickbay in silence. Right in front of it they both stopped and turned to face each other. For some time they just stared into the latter´s eyes and then Jim burst into a hysterical, nervous laughter. Spock scanned his face for a while and then his lips twirled into smile as well.

„Well… good luck, Spock. Don´t get yourself hurt, I´m counting on you tonight." Kirk´s eyes shone as he was deciding whether to offer Spock a hand to shake or not. He was very well aware of the meaning of such an action but he felt it would be fun to watch Spock´s reaction to it.

„I don´t think I am in any danger of getting hurt, but I appreciate your concern." Spock replied.

„Just be careful. I don´t want you to stay here. I want you on the bridge, not in bed with broken ribs or something." Jim grinned as he tried to hide how much he wanted to delay that moment so they could part later.

„I don´t believe Lieutenant Uhura would have enough strenght to break my ribs, but I feel very happy for your interest in my health." Was it a smirk? Jim would swear it was.

„Hey, I´m just being motherly protective, don´t make fun of me!" he poked Spock into one shoulder.

„I am barely making fun of you as you are still my Captain." Spock didn´t respond to the poke but Jim still expected him to do so.

„Okay, okay, just be prepared for tonight." Jim ended as he was afraid he might lose arguments.

„I will be, do not worry about me. Just get some good chocolate, I´m not consuming any rubbish." Spock turned around to finally enter the Sickbay when Jim finally found his witts.

„Wait, Spock," he said mystically. The half-Vulcan turned back to face him with raised eyebrow.

„You´ve just made a joke. Well, not technically, but it was funny and illogical." Jim grinned like five-year-old boy who got new toy.

„I don´t find my previous statement illogical." Spock frowned as he tried to remember what would make Jim say such a thing.

„Of course it was. It was illogical that you said that you didn´t et any rubbish. I had already knew that before and therefore it was unecessary to say it." Spock did not see any sense in Jim´s words, but the Captain seemed to be so ecstatic about it that he didn´t even try to object.

„If you say so." He shruged. „I´ll see you later."

„Looking forward to it," Jim smiled as he watched Spock´s back disappearing in the door.

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	3. Bon appetite!

_**Thanks everybody for all the favourites and reviews. You made my day, thank you. I love you all.**_

_**I hope you enjoy this chapter, I really had fun writing the part with Bones. **_

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Jim waited for Spock and Uhura to leave. He was sure Spock would want to keep conversation like that private. He had no idea how Bones got to the first and he decided he didn´t really want to know. It didn´t take long and the two left Sickbay. Jim hid himself behind some corner because he didn´t want Uhura to see him, he thought she had enough of him for that day.

Then he went to the Sickbay without any sign of knocking on the door or otherwise letting Bones know he was coming in. He found the Doctor sitting behind his table, examining some stuff in microscope. He waited for a while and then came very quickly to his friend and surprised him.

„Alarm! Come on, Bones, case of danger!" he exclaimed and punched McCoy into shoulder. Leonard sighed heavily and turned to Jim, murdering gaze upon his face.

„You know, sometimes you act like a five-year-old." He said coldly as Jim positioned himself on one of the biobeds. McCoy wanted to object, but he let it go. Jim was obviously in one of those states of mind where he was simply unbearably annoying. Bones hated those days where there was nothing happening in the space around them because it always ended up with Jim being this overly active.

„Says person who convinced me Spock who is known for his delicate demeanor and hate for being too emotional was yelling at somebody. Thanks pretty much." Jim smirked at Bones who suddenly realised there was something very very wrong. Jim seemed to be very determined to avenge such a thing.

„How the hell did you find out so quickly?" He murmured even though he wanted to keep that for himself. He knew how and now he looked like an idiot for asking. Of course, Jim…

„Talked to Spock. I have ears and he has mouth and vocal cords, you know. It´s not that difficult for us to talk as it obviously seems to you." Jim grinned and lay down, closing his eyes as if he was done with that talk.

„I´m sorry I didn´t notice you had ears and he had vocal cords you know, it´s a bit hard for us normal mortals. With his pointy ears and your neverending talking it´s damn hard to realise you can hear and he can speak." Bones returned. Jim coughed when he tried to hide laughter. He couldn´t laugh because he would admit Bones said something funny.

„Are you ill? Maybe I should give you some hypo." McCoy proposed, eyes sparkling with amusement.

„Why would I be ill?" Jim shook his head in feigned confusion.

„You just coughed. It might be something very dangerous. You never know, nobody has ever been in this part of Space, it might be some unknown kind of pneumonia. You mustn´t underestimate that, Jim." Bones looked very serious, his face expresionless and serious as Spock´s. Jim had to admire his friend; he would have already died because of laughter.

„Did you say something? You know, I don´t have ears. I can´t hear you." Jim cried and hid his ears with his hands. „Please Bones, help me! That huge pink unicorn is gonna attack me."

„Jim, calm down, you have hallucinations. I shall get you some hypo." Bones knew he would want the fight because Jim would never let him give him hypo if it wasn´t completely necessary.

„No, Bones, don´t leave! The unicorn threatens it will eat my vocal cords and Spock´s ears so we will both be deaf and mute. Help me! I can´t be mute, I am a too good singer to that. And Spock´s ears are just so important. I mean, how would you call him if he didn´t have those pretty pointy ears?" Jim wasn´t prepared to give up. He grabbed McCoy´s wrist and cried. Bones had to admit Jim was impressive. _He should have been an actor._

„Damn you, Jim, you´re right. So what about giving you a hypo, your hallucination will get better, the unicorn will disappear and hobgoblin´s ears will be spared just like your voice." Leonard grinned as he saw despair in Jim´s face. Yeah, Kirk was definitely running off ideas while his only task was to keep telling how useful the hypos were.

„It´s not a hallucination. It´s real and it´s going to mute me, eat Spock´s ears and then drink all your hypos because it loves them. I suggest you to rather get rid of it other ways than hypos. It gets very horny after drinking it and I suppose you don´t want to get attacked by a horny unicorn." Jim had a lucky day. Insane ideas seemed to came to him when he needed them.

„Jim, I can´t see any damn unicorn! It´s just in your head." Bones snapped.

„My head is too full because of my brain, no fully grown unicorn would fit there. Well, not even a small one. Maybe you should just accept that you are blind and rather try to help me." Jim knew victory was on the way. Now he just had to keep the conversation right way and he would win. And then they would finally be able to talk about the matter Jim came there because of.

„Very well then. Where´s the unicorn and what shall I do to fight it, you sage?" Bones growled.

„It´s right in front of you. Once you accept it is there, you will see it. That´s the way how to fight it – you have to admit it is there." Jim smirked. He definitely won.

„Why don´t you fight it yourself?" Bones pointed out.

„Because it can only be defeated when everybody who is near it believes in it." Jim said wisely, hiding insane childish grin.

„Okay, I give up. You´ve won." Bones said and sat down into his chair. Jim smiled triumphantly.

„Thanks a lot, I appreciate it." The Captain´s smile went away and McCoy raised an eyebrow when he saw how serious Jim was. „But now, Bones, you know what I want to ask."

„Yes, I know. And I want to ask you for few moments, I have to get myself some weapon in case you will want to hurt me." McCoy probably meant it seriously as he took out some phaser he was hiding in drawer under his table.

„You´re so dramatic." Jim rolled his eyes.

„I´d rather be safe than sorry." Bones shrugged and tried to avoid Jim´s glare.

„Why did you claim Spock yelled at Uhura?" Kirk´s eyes glistened.

„He was yelling… due to his standards." McCoy tried to save the situation even though he knew it was lost.

„And the part in which he was as insane as he was when Vulcan was destroyed? That came from what?" Bones shifted. He expected Jim to be angry, maybe even shouting, but not this calm, cold man. _Damnit, he should really spent less time with the pointy eared hobgoblin._

„Well, maybe I made up this part. I wanted it to be a bit more interesting…" Leonard has never felt so uncomfortable in Jim´s presence.

„Next time you will feel facts are too uninteresting, don´t involve anybody of the crew in your fantastic stories. Please." Jim was the Captain now. Not Jim, not his friend, but the Captain, talking to a member of his crew.

„Understood, Captain." Bones said stiffly.

„Hey, I like when you´re so obedient, Bones," Jim poked Leonard into the shoulder.

„Damn you, Jim. You are insane." McCoy raised one corner of his mouth.

„Maybe. Now, if you excuse me, I gotta go and prepare for evening, I have a date." Jim stood up, looking mysterious. Leonard didn´t look confused. He knew these tricks of his friend.

„Are you gonna curl up in your bed and watch those stupid romantic movies again?" Bones grinned while Jim blushed. He hoped Bones forgot about that pretty miserable part of his life. He felt really bad and alone, okay?

„No. I´m going out with a real person." He said firmly.

„Unbelieveable. Just…well, I´m sure it must be an extraordinary person when you want to go out, but I wouldn´t advice it. I know Space is a fucking romantic place but you could… you know, go short of breath or something." Jim was staring at Bones in bewilderment.

„Oh god, you speak like Spock." He growled and Boned frowned. „When I said going out I meant just go somewhere with a person whose presence I appreciate. Not actually going out, thank you very much."

„I know what going out means, Jim. You might not remember but I was married." _Not that it ended well, did it, Bones?_ Jim thought but swallowed such thought back before saying it.

„Is it all? Or do you have some other piece of advice?" Jim said, annoyed.

„Just take care of yourself, okay?" McCoy looked at him almost tenderly.

„What the hell are you talking about?" Jim shook his head, considering whether he could be drunk and therefore picturing things.

„You think I´m stupid or what? Jeez, Jim, I am a doctor, I´m concetrated on psychology. I recognize when you are nervous and now you´re acting strange. It means a lot to you, this date, doesn´t it?" Leonard scanned Jim carefully, trying to look through his facade of lethargy.

„You know, a date. I´m noting dating people I don´t care about." Kirk pointed out.

„Whatever you say. Just don´t let anybody hurt you." Bones patted Jim´s arm.

„You are weird,"

„I love you, too," Bones grinned and Jim finally left the room. The doctor sighed as he sat back down to his work, his thoughts twirling around. Who was that mysterious date of Jim? Leonard felt he knew and if he was right, he´d have to have a shot of whiskey. Maybe two.

* * *

Jim stood in front of Spock´s door, feeling an odd combination of anxiety and uncontrollable joy. He shook his head to get rid of it, but he wasn´t very successful. Why did he act like this? He and Spock spent much time together – Jim probably spent more time with him than with anybody else – and he never felt so _eager_ to see Spock. Yes, eager, that was the right word. He didn´t want to wait for a second, he wanted to knock on the half-Vulcan´s door, take him out and do whatever Spock wanted to do – even if it would mean drawing maps of the extraordinarily boring stars that were surrounding them. He wanted to see Spock´s eyes shine with amusement, he wanted to make him raise one eyebrow because secretly he loved when Spock gave him such a look. He wanted to make Spock smile. And most of all, he wanted to just be with Spock, feel his presence, know he was there. What was it? Why did he feel like that? Jim was confused, unsusre about his feelings and yet his heart was pounding like mad just _thinking_ of Spock.

His hand acted independently, so while he was still trying to figure out what was going on with him, his fingers already pressed few buttons, asking for Spock´s attention. The half-Vulcan called for him to come in and the door opened. Jim was hit by the heat inside but he found out he felt comfortable. Almost as if he could just lie down lazily, close his eyes and enjoy Spock´s presence…

„Good evening, Cap-"

„Jim," Kirk stopped his friend and stepped inside the room, hearing the door close behind him. He swallowed hard, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Something was wrong. He shouldn´t be in Spock´s room again. Not now when he felt so strange.

„Jim." Spock nodded, noticing the latter´s mental state and obvious uneasiness, but keeping any comments about it for himself. „I didn´t expect you to… come to take me wherever you want to go."

„I had to make sure you will come." Jim admitted, not looking into Spock´s eyes.

„You thought I would promise to see you and then not come? That´s illogical." Spock frowned. Jim realised how stupid he must have seemed to Spock. He swore in his mind.

„I didn´t know whether you didn´t agree to see me just because you wanted to get rid of me." Kirk felt the situation was slipping through his fingers. He was so pathetic. Why would Spock do such a thing? He was a Vulcan.

„Vulcans cannot lie, Captain." Spock said flatly. „When I said I would be pleased to see you, I meant it seriously."

„I know. I´m sorry, Spock. I know I made you feel uncomfortable." Jim sighed and rubbed his temples with two fingers. „I don´t know what´s the matter with me today. I am probably tired or something."

„Have you talked about it to doctor McCoy?" Spock asked, troubled.

„Not exactly. Most of the time I was trying to convince him I saw a unicorn." Jim smiled bitterly, closing eyes for a while.

„I fail to see your point." Spock´s dark eyes were scanning Jim´s face, his brain trying to find some sollution.

„Never mind. Don´t worry about me, Spock. Let´s have some fun!" Kirk´s sparkling blue eyes opened suddenly and met Spock´s dark, surprised. They stared at each other for a while before Jim looked away, blushing slightly.

„I don´t think it would be advisable to have fun when you are probably ill." Jim grinned as he heard hif First Officer saying words „having fun".

„Come on, I´m alright. I count on you to help me." Jim grabbed Spock´s hand, not aware of his action. The Vulcan stiffened and Jim let his hand go immediately. „Oh, I´m sorry, Spock. I don´t know why I did it." He apologized and his face turned bright red when he remembered what touching hands meant to Vulcans. _Too bad he can´t brush his lips against mine and pretend it was an accident_. Jim couldn´t understand why he thought about such a thing. It just came to his mind.

„There´s no need to apologize. I am aware such an action is considered to be an act of friendship amongst humans." Spock relaxed and looked at Jim with some emotion in eyes the Captain couldn´t actually sort out. „However I would prefer if you avoided it."

„Of course. I know it makes you feel… embrarassed." Kirk murmured and blushed.

„Thank you." Spock said quickly.

„Sooo, it´s your night! What do you wanna do?" Jim exclaimed, trying to difuse the tension between them what Spock was very grateful for.

„My night? Why?" he asked, confused. They were still standing in his room, facing each other and Jim was realising it very sharply. He watched Spock´s face, his dark eyes, his chest rising and falling as he was breathing. For a little while he wanted to touch him, to feel his heart beating.

„Because I said so." Jim smiled nervously as he watched Spock´s lips for too long time.

„That doesn´t make sense." Spock pointed and _oh, he raised the eyebrow!_

„Screw that. Just tell me what you want to do. I´m all yours." Jim bit his lip as he realised what his last sentence could have meant. He didn´t doubt Spock knew as well when he saw the latter´s ears becoming a bit more green than before.

„Shall we…shall we have something to eat? I haven´t had dinner yet." Spock managed to say despite the scintillation between them. _Well, you can eat me, if you want, Spock_.

„Ah, sure. I suppose you don´t want to stay here." Jim fight back few rather inappropriate thoughts.

„Why not? It is not forbidden to have a dinner with a Captain in my own quarters, is it?" Kirk´s eyes widened as he saw undeniable flicker of joking in his First Officers eyes. Spock seemed to be astonished by his own action as well because he looked away.

„Well if you don´t know about such a restriction, there´s no way it would exist." Jim laughed and tried to meet Spock sight again. „Shall we sit down then?"

„Sure. I will inform somebody we want something to eat." Spock finally got back to senses and moved.

„Don´ worry, I´ll call Janice, she´s probably searching for me anyway." Spock had no idea why Jim wanted to order the food but he didn´t care. He sat down to the table and waited for Jim to finish the call. It was a bit shorter than he would expect, but he assumed Captain and that woman Janice has created some special language to talk by only few words.

„So Spock… since it´s your night, you should talk about yourself. You know so much about me and I know almost nothing about you. That´s not fair." Jim complained leaning towards his friend for some reason he didn´t know.

„I do not prefer talking about myself." Spock tried to fight Jim.

„Don´t make me command you to talk."

„Very well, then. You know I am – Come in." He called as he heard somebody was behind the door. It opened and revealed Janice, holding some tray. He had no idea how she managed to prepare everything so quickly, but he didn´t ask when he saw what she brought with her.

She took one meal and placed it down in front of the Captain. It looked like an average food he saw humans eating. But the other… it was his favourite Vulcan food. The one his mother was cooking him when he was ill or when somebody bullied him – what was quite often. The one he hadn´t eaten since he left Vulcan to join Starfleet so many years ago. He didn´t hear Jim releasing Janice. He didn´t hear he leaving. He was just staring at the dish in front of him, strange emotions struggling inside of him. He felt sad when he remembered his mother was gone, but he felt happiness at the same time. And most of all, he felt. He couln´t even talk. He was sure that if he was a bit more human, he would cry.

He raised his eyes to meet Jim´s. Their sights entwined, Spock´s grateful with Jim´s tender, and there was nothing more to say. Spock wanted to thank Jim, but he couldn´t force himself to speak – anything he would say would break the amazing moment. If Spock didn´t know what to say, Jim was overwhelmed. He knew he would make Spock happy. But eh expected Spock´s way to be happy, not actually happy. But when he saw Spock´s expression, there was no doubt he managed to surprise his friend. And somewhere deeply inside of him, something moved. Something great, something new and intensive. He saw Spock in a different way. Since then he wasn´t just a friend he wanted to feel good around him – now he was something more. He needed to make him happy, he needed to see that happiness and emotion in his eyes. What was it? Jim didn´t know. He knew he would have to think about it more. Later. Now he was feeling.

„Thank you," Spock squeaked finally.

„You´re welcome," Jim´s voice was full of emotion he didn´t want Spock to hear, but he coudln´t hide it.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me. Some review, maybe? Please, only your suggestions can make me improve my writing. **_


	4. Discomfort

_**Thank you all so much for reading and all the reviews and follows and stuff like that, it always makes my day. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it´s more thoughtful, but I enjoyed writing it very much, hopefully you´ll enjoy reading it. And don´t worry, the action comes in the next chapter. :)**_

* * *

The next morning, Jim woke up in a great mood. He sat up on his bed, streched every part of his body and finally looked in front of himself with a wide smile spread across his face. He felt so good. All the memories of last night came back to him, making him tremble with excitement. He was unsure whether he would be able to act as usual in his First Officer´s presence that day. He remembered that strange moment when he had seen Spock overwhelmed with emotions. He had known the food would make Spock feel, but he hadn´t expected such a strong wave of feelings. They had fell silent and hadn´t spoken for a great amount of time, but it hadn´t matter – it´d been a comfortable silence, filled with scent of something greater than that moment. Jim knew that night was special. Something changed in him and even though he didn´t know why, he felt it was his destiny. That realisation was a great turning-point in his life and he hoped it would touch Spock soon.

Spock had been meditating all the night since Jim had left his room. Despite hard trying he couldn´t fight the thought that Jim had expected him to do something. He couldn´t figure out what it was, but he was quite sure the Captain came to his quarters following some greater purpose. It almost annoyed him – if only he could have been annoyed. He couldn´t find any logical explanation for Jim´s behaviour and that could mean only one thing – it was neccessary to find some emotional way to get to the point. Spock didn´t like to use emotions when thinking about his Captain, especially not then when Nyota said him so many rather worrying things. He was aware of her intelligence and he didn´t want to doubt her opinions. And that made him worry.

Spock sighed and stood up, noticing it was much later than he thought it was. He would soon have to go back to his duties and spend time in his Captain´s presence. He was confused – logically, he should either enjoy it or feel uncomfortable. There was no explanation for the fact that he felt both. Jim was a nice man and Spock enjoyed being around him a lot. However he had a suspicion that Jim had begun enjoying their little sessions much more than before and it made Spock bemused and worried. He couldn´t understand Jim´s actions because they were quite illogical – the shine in his eyes, the happiness in his face when they were together, the promise of something more in his movements. Spock didn´t want to encourage Jim in anything because he wasn´t sure with himself. He had to meditate about it and needed much more time to understand what he felt and wanted and he had to let Jim know. He didn´t want to do it at all because he knew he will hurt Jim´s feelings he wasn´t actually able to understand, but it was essential, it was almost a need.

Jim walked to a bathroom and undressed from his pajamas, maybe a bit slower than normal. He didn´t want to rush, not that day. He had experienced days like that before – he just wanted to feel good and do nothing but eat, sleep and spend time with people he chose. He frowned as he realised this won´t be possible as the person he wanted to spend time with the most would never take a day off just because he was lazy. Jim stepped into the shower and turned the water on, letting it wash his body, its warmth embracing him and soothing. He felt strange. Only moments ago he felt well-rested and full of energy, but now he just wanted to stay in the hot water and sleep forever. He didn´ t have a headache – he wasn´t a woman – but he was experiencing something similar. It was ridiculous and he knew it. He was a Captain of the Enterprise, the best Star ship the Federation had. He couldn´t have been getting emotional because of his First Officer. It was unprofessional and childish. Jim wasn´t.

Spock washed his face with cold water and looked at himself in the mirror. His brown eyes scanned him carefully, giving him an unconcerned sight. There was no need to worry. Jim was a Captain, he won´t let any emotions he might have possibly had slip into his work. Spock was safe as long as they were on the Bridge, under the sharp, knowing looks of all the other crewmembers. He had always had an unpleasant suspicion that everybody was watching them, he caught a glimpse of somebody staring at them, falling silent when they walked around, giving some interested glares. He felt so exposed. He didn´t actually notice it before, but it was there. And the first person who had been watching them was Nyota. He still tried to understand her words, said both in rage and calm, but with the same message. There was something to be done and it should better be done before it slipped through his fingers. He just wasn´t sure he would be able to hold it if Jim didn´t catch it with him.

Jim growled and turned the water off, feeling an almost unbearable heat on his body. He stepped out of the shower and dried himself with a big towel. Usually he did it quickly but now he enjoyed the sensation of the touch, the cloth against his hot skin. Soon, he just closed his eyes and started to move away, disappear, giving up to his subconsciousness. His hands wandered across his body; chest, ribs, stomach with strong, solid muscles, small circles around his bellybutton, mixture of urge to laugh because it tickled and pleasure because it promised more. The towel fell down on the floor with a noise that was much more audible than Jim would expect. He stumbled for while, but before he could wake up again, his mind sent him another picture. His long fingers ran over his underbelly, lower, too low for it to be possible to stop. One hip bone, the second, the sensation of hands tenderly touching his lap, approaching the most sensitive, most intimate part of his body. And suddenly the hands weren´t his. They were different, not his own and yet familiar. His head fell back slightly, silent moan escaped his parted lips. His fingers found the points he knew will make him feel ecstatic, he knew himself the best and yet he wished it was somebody else to touch him. He didn´t know who was this somebody, but he longed for the person badly. His mind teased him, didn´t actually show him the face he wanted to see. It was changing – people from his life, everybody he ever felt attracted to, girls, women, friends, former lovers, unreachable idols. His sense knew it wasn´t all. He knew somebody was missing, the most important, last piece into his puzzle. And then he caught it. Familiar face appeared in his mind and he gasped as he felt wave of pleasure wash over him. He opened his eyes and found out he just came out into his own hand. He stared in disbelief for a little while and then he just returned back to the shower in attempt to fight what he just experienced because it scared him to death.

Spock arived the Bridge one minute before the begining of his shift. He put on his perfect mask of _I-do-not-care-about-you-at-all_ and sat down into his chair, using all his self-control not to stare at Jim´s empty chair. He noticed the crew was looking at it nervously, their eyes occasionally flying to him as well. As if it was his fault the Captain wasn´t there. As if he knew more. He was doing some calculations about the space around them. They were approaching some nebula and he didn´t want to be responsible for any problems just because he was distracted by the Captain´s absence. He was just about to finish writing some report when he heard a sound of opened door. He turned around slowly, adding few more words to his observation.

Jim´s eyes found Spock even though he didn´t want to. Their sights met, awkward and they both looked away quickly. Spock noticed Jim´s cheeks were slightly redder than usual and he looked puzzled, as if he wasn´t sure what he was doing there. Spock hoped it was just a temporary state because he felt uncomfortable. However, Spock had his duties and that meant he had to hand the report. He stood up and went to Jim, stiffly staring anywhere but the Captain.

„Good morning, Captain," he said casually.

„Morning, Spock," Spock raised an eyebrow as he saw Jim didn´t try to make him smile. In fact, he was just staring in front of himself, clutching the armrests of his chair more tightly that was necessary.

„I have a report about the space we will be coming through in next twenty-four hours." Spock said in his best uninterested voice.

„That´s wonderful," Jim murmured.

„Due to my calculations there are two planets ahead, one is very small and deserted while the second has some sort of life on it. However, I am not able to sort out what kind of life yet, I will give you more detailed information once I have it." Spock reported and waited for Jim to release him. However it seemed that he wasn´t paying attention to what was happening around him, he was staring at Spock´s hands for some reason the First Officer wasn´t able to see but he hid them behind his back with discomfort.

„Thank you, Mr Spock. You can go," Jim shook his head and turned away from Spock. The half-Vulcan nodded and went away in confusion. It´s been quite a while since Jim called him Mr Spock last time. He wasn´t used to it then. He resisted will to ask the Captain to go to see doctor McCoy. Fortunately somebody else will notice there´s something wrong with him.

* * *

But as the morning passed nothing happened. Jim was still somewhere else and Spock was busying himself with some things that weren´t necessary to do, but he was doing them feverishly as if his life depended on it. By noon some crewmembers has gone to lunch and soon only Jim and Spock from the morning shift remained on the Bridge. They didn´t realise but everybody was quieter with them around, there was an unbearable tension between them and nobody wanted to get involved in case of some fight.

Jim dedicated all his energy to leading the ship because it reached the edge of the nebula. Spock was giving him information about anything that might interest him and he always thanked him without looking at him. This went on for next couple hours and the shift changed again, while Jim and Spock remained in their seats. There were silent murmurs to be heard over he Bridge, as well as curt but curious looks shot at the two of them. They worked well, they were proffesional and nobody could say a word against the way the led the ship through space. However, their actions lacked their usual easiness and friendship. They were Captain and First Officer, not Jim Kirk and Spock. It worried the crew but everybody had enough sense not to point that out.

Spock found out his trouble was solved – at least for a while – just to give space to another. Yes, Jim definitely stopped being emotional – now he acted as if he didn´t know Spock at all. And to Spock´s surprise, it bothered him. He didn´t know he was so used to Jim´s friendship.

Jim was desperate. No matter how much he tried, he couldn´t make himself busy enough to forget about Spock completely. In fact, the more he tried to ignore him, the more he kept thinking of him. And mostly about his own feelings, that left him confused and miserable. He had liked Spock for a while now, he would do anything for him, even die, but he had never thought about him in any other way than as about a friend. Not until the last night. If he was a woman, he would probably expect to have a period soon, that would make sense to his emotional state of mind. But he was a man – and he was quite sure about that. So what made him think of Spock in sexual way? Jim asumed he just had too little sex and it began to show itself – his mind was frustrated and tried to make him do something about it. With this reasonable explanation, Jim finally left his chair and went to get something to calm his stomach down.

Spock watched him from the distance and raised an eyebrow as he saw the Captain almost run away from the Bridge. He let it go and frowned as he saw the results of the study of that planets. He gave it another try before he decided to disturb the Captain, especially now when they weren´t at good terms. He returned to what he was doing and ignored an alarm that sounded in his head. He was almost sure he didn´t make any mistake, there was only a 2.75 percent probability that he did and that was much less than he would want. And if he wasn´t wrong, there were tough times ahead of them.

* * *

„Spock to Captain Kirk," Jim freaked out when he heard Spock´s voice. He was quite paranoid – he was sure Spock found out about that episode of the morning and was there to talk to him about it; probably to tell him he was going to report him to the Starfleet or something.

„What´s it, Spock?"

„I am afraid some problems may occur during passing by the planet ahead of us. It would be preferable if you were here." Spock sounded worried. Jim immediately put all his stupid problems aside, now the only thing that mattered was the safety of his ship. And what Spock said meant – in his strange langure – that something was going to be terribly wrong and it would be much better if he just appeared there.

„I´ll be on the Bridge in a minute." He said immediately, eating last bits of his dinner quickly. „Kirk out." He added and closed the communicator, hurrying from the room to catch some turbolift. He entered the Bridge to find all the crew except of Spock relaxed, some of them even chatting. When he looked into his First Officer´s face, he saw slight emotion, most similar to fear. Jim asumed Spock didn´t tell the others whatever made him so worried.

„Spock? What´s the matter? You look as if you just- nevermind. What happened?" Jim stood close to Spock and put aside all the uncomfortable thoughts and tried to ignore that Spock pulled away from him.

„I did not want to cause panic so I did not announced it to the crew yet, but we are not able pass this planet." Spock said in low voice, bowing slightly to reach Jim´s ear. The Captain hoped his heart wasn´t beating fast enough to be heard.

„What?" Jim squeaked.

„Due to my calculations that of course might be wrong because there is still 1.03 percent probability of mistake-"

„Oh, please, Spock, get over that. You´re hardly ever wrong." Jim cut him off.

„I appreciate your trust in my abilities, Captain, however I had to inform you that there is this little chance that I am wrong, because that is the only good news you will get." Spock took a deep breath before going on. „The fact is that there is some forcefield around it, it has stronger gravitation than any other known planet. Moreover, it does not work only with objects with weight but also for information or light. Nothing can pass once it reaches this forcefield."

„And we´ve reached it." Jim didn´t ask, he didn´t need to. He looked at Spock and understood without words that they were in trouble. The latter just nodded.

„I was not able to complete any research about this planet. I used all the machines, but I got no reply. And when it finally returned back to me, at first I thought there was some mistake, the data did not make any sense. So I sent other impulses and those returned to me without any problem. Then I realised the previous ones had been hitting the edge of this forcefield in attempt to get to the ship and got damaged." Spock gave Jim a serious look, but the Captain felt dizzy. What was Spock trying to tell him? That they were either going to hit the surface of this planet or become a billiard ball while trying to get away. Why did he call Jim? To let him decide what was better?

„I see. Do you have any idea what we should do?" Jim was a coward sometimes. He looked at Spock with this brilliant blue eyes, beseeching him for some sollution.

„I believe there is an option, but I would prefer not to tell you now, take it as the last way." The First Officer looked at Jim with pain in eyes.

„Spock, this is a last way. We have nothing. You´re the best man for this kind of stuff and if you say there is no other option then it´s not there." Jim glared, voice raising with frustration.

„I am again flattered by your words, Captain, but I am not the only person on this ship. I might be the best, but I am not the only one."

„Damn you! Do you realise the more you keep hiding it away from me the less chance we have?" Jim hissed. He knew people were slowly turning heads towards them. He felt so angry. He had enough of his problems, he didn´t need one stubborn Vulcan and ship full of curious crewmembers.

„Affirmative. I wanted to… to hide it from you as long as possible." Spock bowed his head.

„Why?" Jim whispered.

„Because I know you will want to do it yourself." Spock said finally. „The option is to get one of the smaller ships that are usually used for evacuation and try to deflect the planet from its usual way in attempt to change the effect of the forcefield."

* * *

_**Yep, a cliffhanger here! I´m so evil. **_


	5. Useless

_**Okay, as usual, thanks a lot for everything. I appreciate your reading, reviews, follows and stuff like that. I love you.**_

_**If there is somebody who is keen on Physics and things this is completely stupid, I do sincerely apologize, but I wrote it as best as I could. It was necessary to happen for the rest of the story. It wasn´t about this. **_

_**Okay, enjoy the chapter. :)**_

* * *

„Wait… you mean… crash into the planet and hope it will just kindly walk away?" Jim gasped in bewilderment. Spock raised one eyebrow what made Jim blush slightly. Spock did the same in his mind when he pictured him during his erotic moment that day.

„Negative, Captain," Spock said, confused. He didn´t understand why Jim´s blood decided to stay in his cheeks in such an amount. „That would be highly illogical."

„Of course. It was just meant to express my surprise, y´know." Jim said with wide eyes. „Shit, Spock, tell me what you suggest is the sollution."

„I do not see the reason why you swore, but I am aware it is a common human action in a stressing situation. However I would prefer to talk to Mr Scott to decide if it is even possible to try to do such a thing before I reveal this to you." Spock looked nervous. He sounded very urgent even though people wouldn´t recognise it, Jim saw how worried his First Officer was. _Damn, I had a wet dream about him, I should know him._ Jim thought for himself before turning away, taking his communicator in hand.

„You´re such a pain in the ass, sometimes, you know?" He said silently, not actually wanting Spock to hear it because he knew Spock would rise his eyebrow again. What he did. Jim bit his lip and turned his attention to the comm.

„Kirk to Engineering." He cleared his throat before he spoke again. His voice was quite rough, for some reason.

„Ensign Kennnet," sounded on the other side. Jim tried to figure out where Ensign Kennet was a woman or man because it wasn´t obvious from the voice.

„Can you please tell Mr Scott to go to the Bridge? Immediately." Jim decided to just ask Scotty who was that person he was talking to.

„Sure, Captain. Mr Scott?" Jim pulled the comm farther from his ear as Ensign Kennet on the other side shouted. „You´re requested on the Bridge!"

„He´ll be there in a minute, sir," sounded from the comm.

„Thanks, Ensign. Kirk out." Spock was turned away from Jim, looking for something in the huge mass of paper on his table. Kirk knew it probably wasn´t the right time but he couldn´t help but check Spock´s figure. He stood a bit too stiffly but Jim didn´t wonder, he just felt urge to make all those strong muscles in Spock´s back relax, he wanted Spock to be comfortable. His eyes fell to his buttocks and Jim immediately looked away, feeling guilty and ashamed. They were in danger and all he could care about was Spock´s ass? Even though it was really interesting…

„Captain? What´s the matter?" Scotty arived on the Bridge just in time. Spock turned to the Chief Engineer quickly, walking towards him to take him away, somewhere where people won´t hear them. Jim went after them, trying to get rid of thoughts that really shouldn´t be in his mind, especially not now.

„Mr Scott, I need your advice in some matter. But it would be preferable if we discussed this in some place where less people are located." Spock said in low voice. Scotty looked confused for a while before simply nodding and walking away. The others followed him, Jim shook his head as he tried to find his senses.

„So what´s that? You look like you´ve seen a ghost." Scotty´s smile went away as he saw Jim´s expression. Spock looked as usual to his eyes, but the Captain was concerned in every way.

„You may be aware of the planet ahead of us." Spock made a little pause to let Scotty process the information.

„Yeah, I´ve heard of it." The Engineer nodded in acknowledgment.

„Good. There may apparently be problems with-"

„Oh, gosh, Spock, if you keep talking like this, we´ll never solve the problem." Jim cut the Vulcan off. „The point is, Scotty, that due to Spock´s calculation which are doubtlessly true we´re gonna either hit the planet´s surface or stay in its reach because of some strong gravity it has."

„And you want me to get you out of it." Scotty asked, ideas already going through his head. He´ll need more information.

„Actually, I do have an idea how to do it but I would prefer avoiding it because it is very dangerous, probably more deadly than dangerous, in fact, so it would be preferable if you had a less dangerous idea yourself. However I have to inform you we do not have much time as the planet is pulling us towards itself and once we get too close to it, we will fall onto the surface of the planet and right into the core of it." Spock said in his usual monotonous voice, but Jim was aware Spock was near to panic. He knew shit was really going to happen and that the situation was much more serious than Spock let Jim know.

„The core´s magnetic?" Scotty asked, seemingly without any concern for the situation but actually trying to think of any way to get out of that.

„Affirmative." Spock admitted, secretly admiring Scotty´s ability to find out so quickly. Jim noticed and felt some strange emotion he couldn´t figure out.

„What´s that idea of yours?" the Engineer didn´t want to admit he didn´t have any idea. Of course he didn´t have enough information but there was little time to long study and if Spock had some idea, why don´t use it?

„I suppose we have some kind of electromagnet aboard. I suggest somebody to take one of the spare little ships and go there with this electromagnet to actually induce a magnetic field in attempt to affect the planet´s gravitation." Jim stared at his First Officer in bewilderment. Scotty frowned as he realised what Spock was talking about. They all stood in silence for a while.

„I used to play a similar game with small magnets on our fridge when I was like four." Jim finally managed to say. The others were deep in thoughts.

„That is very interesting, Captain." Spock said watching Scotty. „Do you think it is possible to do such a thing?"

„I won´t say this´ll work. I won´t even say this should work. But it actually could work." Scotty raised his eyes to Jim. „Y´know, ´tis the most insane idea I´ve ever heard from him but if it works you should give him some medal, but it´s like…uhm… bungee jumping without a rope. Ye can survive but it´s likely you´ll die."

„And wouldn´t it just pull the ship towards the planet´s core?" Jim said, thinking about what things could actually go wrong.

„Not necessarily. I believe I can set the shields to resist it." The Engineer said, not very sure.

„You believe," Jim repeated.

„Yeah, I might be wrong."

„Wonderful. Sounds like a great fun for a boring evening," Jim said sarcastically.

„I suppose it is not a good time to point out the evening is not boring." Spock said, giving Scotty his PADD. „I believe you can manage to set the magnet and ship, Mr Scott. We shall discuss the details with the Captain."

„Sure. If it is possible to be done, we´ll make it happen." Scotty ran away with Spock´s PADD in hands.

„It was a sarcasm, Spock." Jim growled.

„I was not aware of such a thing. However, I would like to suggest you think it thoroughly before you decide to be the person to try to do such a thing." Spock looked at Jim and his dark eyes were deep. Jim could swear he saw worry and sadness in them.

„I thought about it when you had this little small talk with Scotty. I was the one who decided we use this shortcut instead of the long way you chose. I am the Captain and therefore am responsible for this ship. I don´t want anybody to risk their lives because of my fault. I have to be the one to do this, Spock." Jim looked into his friend´s face, searching for any sign of logical argument which was about to come. Instead he only saw heartache.

„And will you come even if you ask you to stay here and let me go there instead of you?" Spock whispered. Jim blinked few times to make sure he was awake. He had never seen Spock like this.

„No, Spock. No way. It´s my fault, my guilt and my thing to do. You have to… to stay here and look after the ship in case I don´t make it." Jim didn´t want to sound so weak. He wanted to convince Spock he was very sure about what he was doing, that he wasn´t frightened and only thing he wanted was to curl up in his arms.

„You are the Captain. You should stay with your ship." Spock said softly but didn´t try to do more because he knew it hurt Jim. He didn´t want to make it harder for him because he knew Kirk was determined to go there and nothing should change that because it would be wrong. No matter how illogical it was. And how painful it felt. Spock shivered when he realised he did feel. He didn´t want Jim to go.

„You know I love Enterprise and I wouldn´t abandon her if I didn´t think it was necessary. Spock, accept it, please. I want this. I need it to be like this." Jim murmured, his eyes pleading Spock to stay silent.

„I realise that, Captain. You should probably tell the crew what is going on. If this work – and I am sure it will work – there will be little time to get Enterprise from the forcefield. It should be easier for you in the little ship." _If I survive_. Jim added in his mind and smiled bitterly at Spock.

„You know, it´s a shame this happened. I actually wanted to ask you to go on a date with me." Jim tried to difuse the tension but he wasn´t very successful. Instead he obviously made Spock feel uncomfortable. He blushed and looked at the tips of his shoes.

„And I would say yes even though I am aware going on a date usually means spending time with a person you are romantically or sexually attracted to." Spock whispered.

„That´s illogical unless you are either of these." Jim´s voice was barely above silence.

„I believe there is much work to be done." Spock said more aloud, ashamed for that little while in which he let his self-control disappear. He didn´t want to encourage Jim. He wasn´t sure he wanted Jim to hope there might be something between them. He wasn´t prepared for that yet, not so soon after his break-up with Nyota. He was still shocked because of that, he didn´t actually understand her reasons. Of course he cared for Jim, he was his Captain and a very good friend. But did he want to date Jim? He didn´t know. And therefore, it was illogical that he said what he said.

„You´re right. Go on then, we have some shit to get through." Jim turned away from Spock in attempt to calm down. He was now really glad there was this mission to be done because he could concentrate on that, as well as he could pretend his fast heartbeat was caused by anxiety. The half-Vulcan only shook his head as he tried to understand why did humans enjoy using illogical curses as much as they obviously did.

„Okay, guys, may I have your attention please?" Jim called and everybody fell silent. Jim seemed to be very nervous and that wasn´t a good thing, because Kirk never let anything to be too visible.

„Thanks. To use Mr Spock´s words, you may be aware of the planet ahead of us. The truth is that we´re in real danger. It is possible that we will hit the planet´s surface and die. I will try to do as much as I can to avoid it, but I don´t know if it works. I need you all to be very careful and to listen to Mr Spock, no matter how stupid his orders might look like. Whatever he says, you will obey because I trust him and you should trust him as well." Jim took a deep breath.

„Anyway, Uhura, contact everybody and alert people. There will be no more chance to get away from here if we miss it, so I want you to be very cautious and prepared to get us from here. While I´m not here, Mr Spock is the Captain. Thank you."

He didn´t look at Spock. He has never been good at speeches and he knew Spock didn´t aprove of what he said. He was too straight and too emotional. But for now, it didn´t matter. Jim just stood there, watched the surprised crew. Then Uhura alerted the ship and hell was about to come.

„Jim? We have it. The ship´s ready and if this doesn´t work, we´re dead. No pressure. Just come here and I´ll explain it to you." Scotty´s voice was full of stress. _Oh come on, give me some support!_ Jim thought bitterly as he took the steps to the Engineering, Spock right behind him.

They walked silently and Jim didn´t mind. But as they got nearer the warp core, he began to sweat and feel very uncomfortable. He was trying to convince himself his fear was illogical. It happened a long time ago, there was no need to panic. But still, when he got closer, when he heard the rhytmical humming of the ship under his feet, his heart started to beat like crazy.

„Spock," he whispered, fingers searching for the Vulcan behind him. He slowed down and finally stopped, eyes closed. He took few deep breaths, trying to get rid of the thoughts that were sneaking into his mind.

_Because I am your friend…_

„Captain,"

_Hot, sweat, pain._

„Captain,"

_Darkness, gloomy light, noise, fear._

„Captain!"

_The fear of being left behind, the fear of leaving behind, the fear of never being able to say…_

„Jim!" Spock´s hand was running over his shoulder, unsure. Jim turned to face his friend, leaning closer to him. For a while he let himself enjoy Spock´s presence, to let his cool, reasonable friend calm him down. He let his head fall on Spock´s shoulder.

„It got me again. I´m so frightened." He whimpered into the fabric of Spock´s shirt. The latter stood stiffly, one hand resting on Jim´s shoulder, the second doubtfully placed on his back. Spock didn´t like when people touched him but he knew it was important for Jim to calm down and therefore he was willing to make some exception.

„Do not be. It was a terrible experience indeed, but you have nothing to worry about." Spock said silently, not mentioning the present problem, considerately.

„I know. I´m sorry, Spock." Jim said and pulled back from Spock. The Vulcan tried to hide sigh of relief, but he wasn´t successful. Jim gave him a hurtful look and went away without any word. He walked quickly and Spock followed him, maybe with too much hesitation. He knew he did something really wrong, that he hurt Jim. Right now wasn´t the best time for Jim to be upset.

„Captain, I sincerely do apologize." He started but Jim only sped up.

„Captain," he started again, softly. The only reaction he earned was a frenetic fleeing away.

„I was not aware of my actions." Spock´s voice was desperate now. He needed Jim to be in a good mood, but there seemed to be nothing he could do to do it right.

„Do not be angry because of me. It is highly illogical and it will make you not focused on the problem we have." He made one last attempt when Jim suddenly turned around.

„I am very focused, _Commander_. Don´t worry. I will act only logically." Kirk hissed Spock´s title in such hatred it almost hurt. Spock blinked few times to make sure he was awake. By the time he was alright, Jim already reached Scotty.

„Okay, so what do we have here?" Jim asked as if nothing happened. Spock´s blank expression didn´t let anything away as well.

„It is easy. You just push this to make it work. Once you put the electricity inside, these things will induce some magnetism and therefore should put the planet off its way for a while. It is necessary to hold it as long as you can because once you let it be, it will disappear." Scotty showed Jim inside of the ship. Kirk frowned. He wasn´t used to such small devices.

„Understood. Thank you, Scotty." Jim said, sitting inside. „I just wanted to ask… Is there any chance of success?"

„Of course. Due to Mr Spock´s calculation, they´re much higher than what I would bet on." Scotty stepped aside, making Spock some space in front of Jim.

„Good luck, Jim," he added.

„Thanks. I´ll need much of it." Jim glared at Spock. The latter did few steps closer.

„I apologize for my actions and wish you luck, Captain." He said stiffly. Jim growled and rolled his eyes.

„I have a first name!" He snapped and closed the door behind him. He gave Scotty sign of permission. The Chief Engineer nodded and went away, followed by Spock. Afterwards, he opened the door and the ship with Jim disappeared into the darkness of the space.

„You all right, Captain?" Scotty´s voice sounded from the comm. Jim checked his surroundings.

„Yeah, everything´s fine," he replied, „even though, you should have left some food in here. I´m really hungry."

„Captain, it is not logical that you are hungry as you ate less than four hours ago." Spock pointed out. He could almost see Jim rolling his eyes.

„Geez, Spock, forget about logic at least once. I´m in a stressing situation. Humans eat when they are stressed or bored." Jim replied, navigating the ship to the place labeled on the map on the display in front of him.

„ I was not aware of that," Spock said blankly. Scotty pushed him back to talk to Jim.

„You have about two minutes, you wouldn´t have enough time to eat anything. And slow down, you´re aproaching the planet too quickly."

„I´m pretty sure I´d be able to eat it." Jim frowned and turned the speed down. „You know, you two really should go. I don´t want to play this magnetic game to see it was useless."

„Logical statement, Captain." Spock nodded and left for the Bridge. Scotty shook his head.

„He´s really weird, y´know." He said while walking to his station as well.

„I´ll put this on the list of the most useless statements." Jim replied. „Of course I know."

Scotty sat down and watched carefully what was ahead of Jim, as well the state of the ship and the Captain. Kirk led the vehicle to the weak point of the forcefield Scotty found. And he felt doubts for the first time.

He didn´t admit he was scared. He trusted Spock and Scotty, so if they said it is possible, then it must have been. He realised how dangerous Spock´s plan was, but he hadn´t said so. However now, only few seconds before letting all this crazy stuff work, he felt uneasy. He knew this was the only way, if Spock and Scotty said it was the only way then it was. But he was afraid. And he hated how stupid he was when he parted with Spock. Wha if he died in here? Spock would surely feel guilty for that, Jim didn´t doubt the Vulcan would blame himself. He had to apologize.

„Kirk to Spock," Jim´s voice trembled. He was aware there was only little time left and he wanted to say so much.

„Spock here. Do you have any problem?"

„No. Yes. I want to apologize. I shouldn´t have-" He was cut off by another call.

„Captain, you should do it, now! The shields are getting very weak, I won´t be able to hold you for long." Scotty´s voice filled the small ship. Jim shook his head. At least he made an attempt to apologize to Spock. He hoped the latter will not feel guilty for what happened.

„Copy," Jim replied and made sure everything was alright, before pressing the button. He closed his eyes and held breath. And…

…nothing happened. Jim stared blankly. The magnet was obviously working, spinning around as if there was some magical strenght inside. But it didn´t affect the planet at all.

„Scotty, what´s wrong?" He cried to the communicator.

„No idea. Figuring it out. Wait a sec," the Engineer worked quickly to find any mistake. His forehead shone with sweat as he moved over the Engineering, checking everything. And finally-

„I´d have to turn the shields off." His voice was so silent Jim almost thought he heard him wrong.

„What?" he gasped.

„The shields don´t only hold the planet from you, they hold you from the planet as well. I´ll return you back quickly and we´ll try to find another-"

„No! You know there´s no other way. We don´t have time. Turn off the shields."

„I´m sure Mr Spock-"

„Don´t talk about Spock!" Jim cried. „Turn off that stupid shields, that´s an order!" Jim said coldly but inside he was frightened. He remembered the last situation like that. But now he couldn´t hit Scotty´s head, he needed him.

„NOW!" He demanded. Scotty knew the Captain was going to kill him if he didn´t do it. But he wasn´t prepared for causing Jim´s death. Instead he called the Bridge, surprising Spock who sat in the Captain´s chair.

„Scott to Spock. I´m taking the Captain back. He´ll struggle, but it turned out there is no possibility of the plan working without him dying." He burst. Spock had to concentrate very much to see the sense of his words. But once he understood, the decision was illogicaly quickly made.

„Get him here, immediately." Spock said sharply.

„Understood. I´m now getting the control over his ship-"

„I will not let you stop me, Scotty," Jim said more to himself, because nobody could hear him. His brain was working very fast, trying to see what had to be done and in what order. He found the button to shut Scotty off so he couldn´t take him back to the Enterprise. Now he regreted he didn´t pay attention to little ships because he spent too much time considering what to do to turn the shields off. Of course, he could have waited for them to just die out, but he didn´t know how long the Enterprise would be able to stay in the space. After all, he found the way. He took a deep breath, aware of the fact he was very likely going to die. But he did it to save the Enterprise. Again.

He turned the shields off and in one fluid moment moved to the electromagnet. He watched the forcefield around it work as the ship began to move very quickly towards the surface of the planet. He knew it worked. He saw it working. Wide smile appeared on his face. He saved them. That was all that mattered.

„I can´t control the ship, sir. He must have cut me off." Scotty was nearly hysterical.

„Isn´t there any way to control it without him noticing?" Spock asked, knowing it was futile. Jim wouldn´t do something wrong. He felt a dull ache in his chest as he realised there was nothing to do to save Jim. The Captain decided to sacrifice himself and Spock was somewhere else again, unable to do anything.

„No. He made sure I wouldn´t stop him." Scotty said, but due to what Spock heard, he didn´t give up.

„Can I talk to him?" Spock said weakly, aware of everybody´s eyes on him.

„Yeah, I think. I´m conecting you," Scotty thought about shooting at Jim in attempt to stop him and let Spock talk to Jim in the meantime. And in the very same time, everything started to shine. Enterprise shook but Scotty knew the real problem wasn´t theirs. He watched the small ship on the display under his hands and he never felt so useless.

„Jim!" Spock shrieked only seconds before the little ship hit the ground and everything exploded.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading and let me know what you think._**

**_Live long and prosper._**


	6. Lesson of human anatomy

_**Hello again. :) I´m really sorry for teasing you all and leaving you with that cliffhanger last time. But the fact I´m sorry doesn´t really mean that I won´t do it again, just saying. :) Anyway, thanks everybody for reading and you know the stuff around, you guys are amazing. **_

_**However I have one thing I want to say. I really, REALLY don´t want this to look rude, but honestly, this is a fanfiction. I have to make Spock a bit different to make him do what I want him to. That doesn´t mean I don´t feel awe when it comes to people who created Spock. It is just my Spock and he might be a bit different, but I hope you accept him. Thank you and please don´t be offended.**_

* * *

„Mr Sulu, let us move out of here. Quickly." Spock said to the pilot, but his mind was somewhere else. He shouldn´t be leaving when Jim is there. He had to make sure there was nothing to do to save him.

„Mr Scott, what is the situation like?" He said to the comm as he felt Enterprise moving under his feet. His soul screamed for going back.

„We thought the force field will disappear for a while but it seems to vanish for good. We don´t have to hurry to get away." The Engineer replied. Spock saw the background of his words. They didn´t have to flee away, they had enough time to get Jim´s body on the ship. Spock didn´t dare to hope Jim survived. He didn´t want to feel more pain. But he had to make sure.

„Is it possible to get somebody to the place Captain´s ship hit the ground?" He asked carefully.

„Yes, I can transport you there. It doesn´t look like there is any danger. In case of some, I´ll get you back."

„I will meet you in the Transporting room. Spock out." Spock got up from the Captain´s chair. He saw all the crewmen waiting for some information and he realised he was the one they expected it from. He felt pain as the realisation hit him.

„Captain is missing. He is on the surface of this planet, for now we do not know anything else about him. I will transport there and find out what is about to be done." Spock´s face was expressionless again, but he felt terrible. He felt. He wanted to just hide somewhere. Or run. He didn´t know.

„Mr Sulu, you have the con. Lead the ship from the reach of this planet, Mr Scott will tell you when you reach the point . Once you get there, wait for my orders." Spock said and quickly disappeared in the direction of the Transporting room. On his way, he searched for his communicator and called Bones. He wasn´t very enthusiastic about that, but he thought it could be very useful to have a doctor with him. Just in case… He didn´t let himself hope too much.

„Spock to Doctor McCoy,"

„What the hell is going on, hobgoblin? Damnit, am I not allowed to know anything? Where´s Jim?" Bones sounded angry, as far as Spock knew. It didn´t make sense. The doctor had to know what was going on, didn´t he?

„Captain saved the ship from certain destruction. I am just about to transport in the place he should be right now, and I wanted you to accompany me because of your medical experience." Spock replied, hiding a sigh.

„Jim got hurt?! Again? Aren´t you supposed to keep an eye on him or something?" Bones exclaimed. Spock closed his eyes. Doctor´s words meanr more than they should.

„How come I´m always the last one to know what´s going on?" The doctor reacted exactly like Spock had expected him to.

„Yes, he most probably got hurt. Please, come to the Transporting room as soon as possible." Spock had to find all his wits to answer. _Aren´t you supposed to keep an eye on him?_ Yes, he was. And he´d failed. So many times. He didn´t deserve to be Jim´s First Office rif he wasn´t able to keep his Captain from danger.

„Be there, hobgoblin," Bones answered, getting ready for a way on the planet. „McCoy out,"

Spock entered the Transporting room and immediately met Scotty. They looked at each other, exchange looks of sadness but determination.

„Are there any signs of life?" Spock asked, not courageous enough to ask a direct question.

„Yes. However, we are too far for any more information." Scotty replied and his eyes told Spock: _There´s hope, but don´t rely on it too much._ In the same time Bones with a big bag in hand came inside.

„You know I want to ask many things, but I won´t, not now. Get us there and see what´s the matter with that troublesome kid." Bones said quickly, in one motion walking towards some Ensigns who held special suits because as a result of Jim´s actions, there was no atmosphere in there. He got inside with few curses, most of them about stupid, irresponsible Captains. Spock only raised an eyebrow as he got into his own suit, deciding it was not necessary to tell the Doctor Jim did that to save the ship.

Once he was dressed up, Doctor immediately moved to the transport pads and Spock followed him. When they were prepared, Spock nodded at Scotty, frowning.

Spock was almost frustrated. If he didn´t know frustration was a human emotion that can make somebody´s actions less effective and therefore was unwanted, he would be frustrated. They were wandering across this planet for almost ten minutes, from time to time finding bits of broken, damaged ship. Spock found it very difficult to stay emotionless. Everything was trying to make him feel depressed, desperate. The bits of the ship scattered all over that place, pale light of few stars above them, McCoy´s silent curses and beeping of the devices in their hands. Spock knew that if there was any chance of Jim´s surviving, it was getting less and less probable. Even if he survived, he must have got injured. And the longer he was without help, the less probably he would recover. Spock tried to think reasonably so he pushed these thoughts from his mind.

He kicked away another piece of the ship and as he did so, he heard loud bang when it hit the ground many metres away. Bones raised his head as he watched the Vulcan carefully. Spock told himself off for being so irrational and quickly went away from the doctor. It was really dark in where he was but suddenly he was a small crater in front of him. His heart started to beat faster as he saw some little lights. The lights that are usually on dashboards of ships. He ran closer and kneeled down by the edge of the crater and moved the remains of the ship carefully away. When he looked under it, he almost fainted.

„Doctor McCoy!" He shouted and grabbed another piece of metal. It was covered in blood. Spock stared inside the crater, on the broken, motionless body on the bottom of it. „You had better hurry."

Bones reached Spock and kneeled down as well. When he saw the expression on the latter´s face he almost didn´t want to look into the crater. He had seen Spock like that only few times so far, and it hadn´t been the nicest things in his life.

„Holy shit." He gasped before turning his doctor-mode on. He reached for Jim´s left wrist, because it was closer than his neck. He didn´t expect Jim´s pulse to be too noticeable so he held it tight. But it wasn´t necessary. Kirk´s blood was running through his vessels twice as fast as normal. Bones didn´t have time to wonder what had caused that.

„He´s alive. I don´t know how it is possible, but he is." He said silently as he moved to scan Jim´s injuries. Spock let out a sigh of relief.

„Is there anything I can help you with?" he asked as he saw the Doctor had problems with reaching for Jim, while it was easy for Spock because he was much taller.

„Yeah. I have to get him to Sickbay. I´m gonna stop the bleeding from his head and leg, but I need you to hold him while we´ll be transported back to Enterprise and carry him to the Sickbay." McCoy finally found a way how to get down into the crater and he took out some stuff from his bag. He bandaged Jim´s head even though he knew it will need closer examination. The skull was most probably splitted, as far as he could say.

„Spock to Scott. We have found the Captain. We will be prepared for transport soon, wait for an order." Spock said into his comm in the meantime, trying to stay focused.

„Copy, Mr Spock. Waiting for yer word." Spock hid the comm into his pocket once again.

„Actually, Spock, I need you for another thing. Can you please go down here?" Leonard´s face was pale. Spock jumped down immediately, carefully avoiding stepping on Jim or Bones.

„Do you see this bone? Stupid question, of course you do." McCoy shook his head. Spock understood there was no point in avoiding look at Jim´s right thigh. For a little while, he felt sick. Then he adjusted to the sight. Spock didn´t have to have any medical experience to understand this was bad. He was aware of existence of open fractures but he had never seen one. And that was exactly that. The bone in Jim´s ight thigh, the longest bone in human body, was broken into two halves, right above knee. The longer part was visible. Between all the blood, torn muscles and tendons, there was a white, hard thing and Spock knew it was the bone McCoy was refering to.

„Yes. I am aware of the existence of it." He said mindlessly. Bones didn´t even point out how stupid Spock´s way of talking was.

„Okay. I need you to push it back." He swallowed. He expected Spock to object, or at least turn green – or whatever colour Vulcans turn when they´re sick – but he didn´t.

„How?" He just asked, being professional, as if it was damaged device, not a person, not Jim Kirk.

„Carefully. It´s just temporary, I will fix it up once we´re on Enterprise. But I need to bandage it to stop the bleeding." McCoy watched Spock´s fingers getting closer to Jim´s thigh. He realised the Vulcan didn´t tremble. He secretly admired him. „Here. Yeah. Slowly, just push it back. It should return there itself. Great."

Spock´s forehead was wrinkled because of the effort and concentration. It wasn´t pleasant to touch people – and now he didn´t touch Jim´s skin, he was touching his blood, his bone, his muscles. He felt as if he invaded Jim´s privacy. But there was no time for that.

„That´s it. Good. Leave it, it´s enough." McCoy stopped him and Spock immediately pulled hands back in fear that he might hurt Jim more. Leonard bandaged Jim´s leg quickly. Blood was still pouring from the wound, but it was not as bad as before. Spock forced himself to stop watching Jim´s blood on his fingers.

„Can you find come branches or tubes or something we can fix his leg with? It should move as little as possible." Leonard was now working on a minor bleeding on Jimś right hip. Spock nodded and went farther where he found a long tube what was probably a part of the ship before. In one quick movement he broke it into halves and hurried to Jim´s side.

„Hold it here." Leonard briefed and Spock obeyed, keeping the tubes on both sides of Jim´s leg, keeping his knee steady. Few seconds later, they were done.

„Okay. We shall move now. Will you be able to hold him like this? The right side of his body upwards?" Leonard was really worried. He knew the patient had to be moved even though it wasn´t advisable. He tried to think of the best way how to do it. „We should have brought more people."

„There is no need for that. I can carry the Captain this way, I have no problem with that. Just show me where I should touch him." Spock knelt down at Jim´s left side. McCoy hated to touch Spock because he knew how much it was uncomfortable for Vulcans, but he thought it was the best and quickest way. And that was all that mattered, for him and he believed for Spock as well. Wordlessly, he led Spock´s hands under Jim´s body, carefully, tenderly.

„Now. Move him as little as possible, I don´t know if he doesn´t have any internal injuries." He said, stepped away and took out his own communicator.

„McCoy to Scott. We´re ready." He swallowed as he saw Spock standing up with Jim in arms. He had never seen Spock so gentle, so careful. Suddenly, he believed they could save Jim. Together, if they both helped, they should be able to save him.

Spock felt he was being moved away and he felt worried. He tried to hold Jim firmly but gently and he hoped he was able to carry him all the way from Transporting room to Sickbay.

They appeared on the Transporting pads and Spock immediately felt Jim´s body being more heavy. He didn´t realise the planet had less gravitation. He tried to hide it from McCoy. Jim wasn´t that heavy, was he? His heart was beating fast, much faster than Spock would expect from unconscious person. His chest began to rise and fall more visibly. Spock wondered how was this possible.

He hurried after Bones to the Medbay, as fast as he dared to move with motionless Captain in arms. Meanwhile, McCoy talked to nurses, infroming them of the situation and telling them what to prepare. Spock didn´t listen to it, he was concentrated on his own task. He felt drops of sweat pouring down his back. He was a Vulcan and therefore very strong, but Jim wasn´t the tiniest person who ever lived. Spock silently cursed Jim´s passion for excercising and building muscles.

Finally they walked through the door to Medbay. Spock, still in the special suit, looked at McCoy for advice. The latter took of the helmet before he began to talk.

„Lie him down here. On his back probably. Carefully." Spock exhaled and bowed his knees a bit so he placed Jim there from side, not from height. At first he lay down Jim´s bruised back, then his head and at last his wounded leg. Then he stepped back and took of the helmet as well. McCoy admired him once again as he saw exhaustion in his eyes and face covered in sweat.

„I will let you work, Doctor. Inform me if you need anything or in case of some news." Spock said and gave Jim one last look. This body, this almost lifeless body, wasn´t Jim and yet Spock believed McCoy could make him be who he had been.

„Of course, Mr Spock. Thank you for your assistance," McCoy left to change and disinfect himself before looking at Jim more. Spock went to his quarters when he undressed from the suit. When he saw himself, he decided he needed to clean himself so he took the comm.

„Spock to Bridge," he called.

„Mr Spock, Lieutenant Uhura here." He recognized her voice when she pronounced his name. There was still some pain in it and he hated himself for causing it. He fought thoughts like that away.

„Tell Mr Sulu to keep the course as before. I will be at the Bridge in fifteen minutes." He told her.

„Is Captain…?" He heard worries in her voice and was glad that she cared for Jim despite the fact he was the reason of their break up. Spock felt sorry for her and hoped she would be able to find somebody who deserved her, because he was sure he wasn´t good enough for her. He belonged to Jim and they both knew it, but she was more understanding than he hoped she could be.

„He is alive, doctor McCoy is taking care of him right now." He said and didn´t realise how happy he sounded, how much relief was in his words.

„Thank God." She whispered. He had no answer for that.

„I will inform Mr Sulu about your orders. Uhura out."

Spock sighed and threw the comm on his bed, carelessly. He didn´t fancy taking showers but he felt he had to. It was almost to be washed with water. He watched Jim´s dried blood on his fingers and hands and he felt strange. He usually didn´t even touch people. And there he was, with Jim´s blood on fingers. He knew he had many things to meditate over that night.

He washed himself quickly and soon dressed into clean clothes. He dried and combed his hair and looked at himself in the mirror before slowly leaving his room. He found some turbolift and stepped inside. He realised he was a Captain now, it was his decision to make where to go. And he didn´t like that at all. He didn´t mind being a Captain, that was alright, but he felt terrible for being Captain because it meant something happened to Jim. He didn´t want to replace Jim. And no matter how much he tried to convince himself it wasn´t his fault, he felt illogical guilt. It was the only way to save the ship but he felt it was his fault that he didn´t think of the possibility Jim would have to turn the shields off. He appeared on the Bridge and looked at people there. Suddenly he had no idea what to say. What was he supposed to say? _Captain is unconscious, I will take his place and no, I didn´t send him there to become a Captain?_ But as he watched the crew, the emotion on their faces wasn´t disgust or hatred. It was gratitude. Spock shook his head when he realised he will never understand humans.

„Good morning." He said as he realised what was the time. As he saw tiredness of some of the crewmen, he assumed they didn´t change when it was time to change shifts. Of course, it was emergency. „The ship is now out of danger, as well as our Captain. You can go and have some rest, you all deserve it."

Some people stood up immediately and left. Spock noticed some of them were really tired. He didn´t feel tired himself, but he assumed it was the adrenaline in his blood. Soon, new crewmen came, some of them with messy, disheveled hair as if they had been asleep only two minutes ago.

„The ship is stabilized, autopilot settled. If you don´t want to change it, we should reach one of Federation planets in seventeen hours." Sulu stood up and came to Spock. The temporary Captain looked up at him.

„Thank you, Mr Sulu." He said silently and saw another man taking Sulu´s position.

„You should have a rest as well, sir." Sulu suggested, not entirely convinced it was a good thing to tell Spock what to do.

„I appreciate your concern, Mr Sulu. But I feel alright." He said flattly. Sulu nodded, not willing to argue with the Vulcan.

„Good night." He left and almost crashed into Uhura. He gave her knowing look what made her almost cry. It wasn´t true anymore. There was no need to pretend anymore. They didn´t have to hide, because there was nothing to hide. It was gone.

„Mr Spock," she whispered, standing only few inches from him. He turned to face her.

„Nyota," he chose her first name what seemed to make her even more sad. He felt guilty again.

„I won´t tell you to go and get some sleep because I´ve heard what you´ve said to Hikaru." She said bitterly as she remembered how stubborn he could sometimes be. „But I would like to talk to you in privacy."

He couldn´t resist her, the need in her face was so obvious he stood up and made sure he wasn´t required on the Bridge. Then he left and led her to his quarters because he knew this conversation was going to be private and he didn´t want anybody to step in. Sadness appeared on her face for a while as she saw familiar places she will not share with him anymore.

„So what do you want to tell me?" he asked stiffly and stood in front of her.

„Spock, I beg you to think reasonably. It´s not your fault and you know it. After all, nothing happened. Jim saved the ship and you saved Jim. Everything is alright, how it should be. Don´t blame yourself because of something you couldn´t influence."

Her dark, almost black eyes, were trying to convince him. He would like to drown in them, he had loved those eyes and they were still so beautiful. But he couldn´t agree with her. It was his fault.

„I do think reasonably. But it was my idea to send the Captain there and it was me who forgot he would have to turn the shields off. It is a miracle he survived, I did not do anything." He objected and she looked away.

„Don´t do that to yourself. Even you are not infallible. Jim will be alright, thanks to you and doctor McCoy." She begged him for understanding. But he couldn´t.

„I did not do anything. I could not help the Captain. I could not save him, I caused he got injured." Spock murmured, his eyes focused of something behind her.

„Look at me!" She took his face into her hands what surprised him enough to look at her. She pulled away immediately. „You didn´t cause any harm. Jim knew what he was doing, he´s intelligent enough to think himself. You can´t look after him all the time. He trusted you to save him, okay?"

„I have to inform you that-"

„Shut up. Listen to me at least once!" she cut him off, almost crying. „You know I love you, Spock. I didn´t want to say that, but you made me. I love you and that´s why I let you go. I want you to be happy. And you won´t be happy if you blame yourself from something what wasn´t your fault."

„I do not see how the fact that you love me is related to my responsibility for this action." Spock said coldly.

„Oh god, Spock! Show some emotion. I said I loved you and you keep talking about your stupid guilt. Don´t you see how selfish you are?" He saw tears in her eyes and got scared. He didn´t want her to cry.

„I was not aware that my actions were selfish."

„Yeah, they were. I broke up with you because I saw you cared for Jim more than for me. It´s okay. It hurts, yes, but I can understand that. But now, you are just blaming himself for something that wasn´t your fault and you know that. He wouldn´t want you to feel guilty." Tears were flowing down her cheeks, but she didn´t stop. „You are pathetic, Spock. You are trying to make others pity you. You make yourself a martyr. Don´t you see how illogical it is?" She hissed at him. He stared at her in disbelief. Was it true? Did he make himself look pitiable, was he trying to make himself more interesting?

„What do you want, Nyota?" he asked silently.

„Don´t blame himself, don´t make others pity you and convince you to stop that. It happened, you can´t take back time, so stop wondering what if. Be grateful that Jim survived."

„I am very grateful that has Captain survived." He said in confusion.

„Yes. And you helped him. You _did_ save him!" she pointed out.

„I did not."

„Oh gosh, how did I manage to stand you for so long?! I´ve seen you. You carried him all the way from Transporting room to Sickbay." Uhura was getting frustrated.

„It was only logical because I am stronger than doctor McCoy." Spock raised an eyebrow in expectation of her next words.

„Of course. Logical." She spat the word out as if it was poisonous. „You didn´t do it because you like Jim."

„I did it because it was logical. If doctor McCoy was stronger than me, I would let him carry Captain." Spock folded arms on his chest.

„Yes. Because you like Jim and want the best for him." Uhura was determined to make Spock admit he had feelings for Kirk and he wasn´t able to understand why.

„Yes, of course I do like him. But that does not mean my actions were not logical and logical only."

„You know, he really wants you to call him Jim." She said casually, turning to go away.

„Why?" Spock asked. He knew humans prefered calling themselves by first names, but he thought that if somebody had such an important status, he would like to be called by his title.

„Because it would make him feel you like him." Uhura rolled her eyes.

„I do like him."

„But he doesn´t know. Spock, you have to show some emotions sometimes."

„I see no point in calling Captain by his first name if he is a captain." Spock shook his head.

„Just do it, okay? It will make him happy." She snapped.

„Very well then. I am aware of how useful being happy can be."

„Good. I´m going to bed now. You should do that too. You don´t have to stay awake and exhaust yourself. You will probably have to do duties as a Captain." She didn´t want to say the last sentence, it just slipped from her mouth. It felt like a slap. He was a Captain now. He didn´t want to be. Enterprise was Jim´s, not his.

„Good night, Lieutenant," he said simply, letting her know he wanted her to leave.

„Good night," she whispered and disappeared. He sat down on his bed and closed eyes. He felt tired. He felt as if somebody took him and hit some rocks with his head. He had to meditate over everything Nyota told him.

* * *

His comm beeped few hours later. He took it out in surprise.

„Spock,"

„McCoy. You should better come here."

* * *

**_What do you think? Please let me know. I want to know somebody read the story. Anything. Please write at least "moo" or something like that. :)_**

**_And yeah, I know, another cliffhanger. But not that bad, is it?_**


	7. Gone away

**_Ellstra to readers!_**

**_I want to thank you all for your reviews, follows, favourites etc. You make my day. I love you all and I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do. I apologize for any mistakes I make - I´m aware of them because English is not my mother tongue, but I hope you can forgive me. Anyway, enjoy this chapter, please._**

* * *

Spock didn´t think of anything. He simply stood up and walked to the Sickbay. McCoy´s words resonated in his head. _You should better come here._ The doctor sounded worried. He didn´t even call him hobgoblin or Mr Pointy. Spock didn´t want to think because he wanted to hope everything was alright.

He didn´t meet anybody what didn´t surprise him much, as it was still night on the ship. Spock thought it was really useful to have that, it was only logical to keep the crew in illusion of life on Earth as much as possible. Even though he noticed that sometimes Jim acted strange in the dark. He was shaking when it was dark. Not much, but enough for Spock to notice every single twitch of him. It usually worried him, but that night he didn´t think of it. He was walking too fast to think of anything.

He practically ran into the Medbay. Bones was right behind the door, frown upon his face. Spock nodded as he saw him, and slowed down. They looked at each other and understood without words, they both went to the biobed Jim was lying on. Spock looked at his friend and expected the wave of nausea he had suffered from when he saw Jim´s injuries. But he didn´t. Jim looked almost alright. He was still injured, but he looked much better now. He wasn´t pale what was something Spock couldn´t understand. Jim had lost so much blood!

„Dr McCoy, I assume the incredile progress in the process of Captain´s healing is not your work." Spock hoped it didn´t sound like he was doubting McCoy´s skills.

„Not at all. That´s why I called you." Bones frowned even more as he took the tricorder and scan Jim´s body. He did it to distract himself, but he found more information. „Like here. He had a broken collarbone. Quite an awful fracture, to be honest. And now it´s gone. Healed. Perfect. Better than before."

The doctor shook his head turned around to take something from the bed behind. When he turned back, he was holding two black pictures from X-rays. He passed one to the Vulcan he looked at it. He felt somehow strange to scan Jim´s body without his permission. Then he realised how illogical he was. Jim would allow him to, moreover it was an outstanding situation.

„That´s Jim´s ribcage when we got here. I wanted to make sure his lungs were alright, even though he was breathing better than many uninjured people. Do you see it?" McCoy asked, his fingers clutching the other picture.

„Three – no four – ribs are broken, one is damaged but looks like it is healing. And…" Spock looked closer, „is it a scar on his left lung?" he asked, handing the picture to the Doctor.

„Yes, scar, that´s the best word for it. It means one of his ribs must have ripped his lung, but it´s almost healed now." McCoy scanned the transparent thing in his hand.

„So Captain was for some amount of time living with a damaged lung." Spock didn´t mean that as a question. He simply said it aloud. And it sounded even more uneblieveable than before.

„Exactly. And now look at this." They exchanged the papers. Spock needed much effort to hide his surprise.

„I suppose this is Captain´s chest now." He only said, after few seconds.

„In fact, the picture is like fifteen minutes old. I think the last rib is probably healed as well by now." Bones walked to the Vulcan quickly, taking the picture from his hands. „I have no idea what to do. I´ve never seen anything like this before. Healing of those four broken ribs takes at least two weeks. The lowest one would probably take a month. And Jim managed to heal in ten hours."

„Is it just the chest or does any other part of his body act the same?" Spock asked, turning his sight to Jim. Kirk looked so peaceful, so fine. Without the bandage on his head and blood all over his face, he would look normally. It scared Spock. Only few hours ago, Jim was a complete mess.

„All his body heals the same. It is a normal healing, but many times faster. Like his skull. I´m sure it was in pieces and when I wanted to fix it – because shards of bone in a brain is not fun at all – but when I took the bandage off his head, it was already back together. Sure, there were still cracks in there, but it was together. I was astonished, but I told myself I might have just been paranoid. Even though it seemed weird that the skull would stay together like this. And now? Come and look at it." Bones went closer to Jim, removing the cover from the injury on Jim´s head. The problem was that there was almost no injury at all. Just a pink, fresh skin in place where not so long ago was Jim´s brain, exposed. Spock gasped as he saw it.

„Is there… is there any possibility it might have affected Captain´s brain? Because I believe you were right when you thought his skull was split. Therefore I assume there might have been some damage caused." Spock wanted to ask more, but he fell silent as he saw McCoy´s expression.

„I have no idea, Spock. Damnit, I am a doctor, not a magician. I have no idea what this means." He sat down and hid his face in his hands. „I have no idea. I can only help him heal, but the truth is that no matter if it does good or not, I can´t stop it. It just happens."

„I suppose I know what is the force that makes Captain heal so quickly." Spock said after long pause. Bones looked up at him.

„Do you? Why don´t you share your great knowledge then?" He snapped bitterly. „Or am I just a stupid physician, not good enough to know what you know?"

„It si illogical that you say such things, doctor, because you know I would find it irrational to hide any information about the physical state of the Captain from you as you are more experienced in medicine than I am." Spock only raised an eyebrow. He assumed Bones was just frustrated because he was worried what was with his friend, and tired.

„Nevermind. What is it? And say it like a human, please. I´m too tired to see the meaning of your Vulcan speeches." Leonard needed a drink. Desperately.

„I can only guess – and I may be wrong – that it is the blood of Khan that run through Captain´s vessels." Spock scanned McCoy. He noticed the latter was getting a bit angry, probably as a result of stress and exhaustion.

„Yeah. You´re right. Sure. Well." He murmured. „Great. Jim, you son of a bitch."

„I suppose it is very rude to insult Captain´s mother in such a way." Spock pointed out. „Doctor, you should get some sleep, your body requires it. I will watch the Captain and I will call you in case there is something wrong."

„I´m not tired, hobgoblin." Bones objected and yawned to confirm his words.

„Yes, you are." Spock shook his head as he saw how incredibly stubborn humans – especially Bones and Jim – could be. „You are not doing any good to the Captain when you are exhausting yourself. I will look after him and inform you in case something changes."

„I still don´t trust you, Mr Pointy." Bones stood up, barely able to keep his eyes open.

„Irrelevant," Spock said and sat down on the chair beside Jim´s bed.

„I think it does matter." Bones frowned. „I know what injuries he has. Don´t you dare to touch him."

„Even if I tried to injure him, he would probably heal before you would notice. But I will not hurt him." Spock wanted to make Bones trust him. He didn´t know why.

„I know that. I was just joking," Bones rolled his eyes and left with some comments about stupid hobgoblins. Spock just raised his eyebrows and turned his attention back to Jim.

Spock was awaken from his trance by beeping of a communicator. He took it in his hands, opening it quickly as he feared he might wake Jim up. He stood up and turned away as he flipped it opened to answer it.

„Spock,"

„Commander, your presence is required on the Bridge." Uhura´s voice seemed even more cold using the electronic way of communication. Spock frowned.

„Are there any problems?" He didn´t want to ask that question. It surprised him, but he found himself unwilling to ask that question. Or to be precise, to hear the answer.

„No. But Starfleet insists on talking to the Captain and since he is…" her voice broke. Of course. She didn´t know how quickly Jim healed. She thought he was still more dead than alive. But that was no longer true. However, Spock decided not to talk about Captain´s condition yet.

„Understood, Lieutenant." He said simply to avoid too emotional talk. „Spock out."

He turned around again, facing Jim. He couldn´t just leave him alone there – if only because Bones would get mad at him for breaking his promise. He didn´t find himself very enthusiastic about waking the Doctor up either, as he assumed humans were in bad mood if somebody woke them up when they were fast asleep. Spock was tempted to say some nurse to keep an eye on Jim – they were doing it either – but he was sure Bones wouldn´t thank him. And to his own astonishment, Spock found himself hating the idea of leaving Jim alone.

He took out the communicator and after few moments he called Bones. He hated his human side for being so weak and pathetic. But he was really afraid of Bones; not that he would admit it. He didn´t know if he was grateful for the silence on the other part or if he was worried. His actions were so illogical he almost chuckled because of nervousness.

„McCoy," Yes, Spock definitely didn´t want to talk to Bones.

„Dr McCoy, this is Spock speaking." He said slowly, but continued immediately, in attempt to avoid another speech about how difficult it was to deal with green-blooded, pointy-eared hobgoblins. „I have to fulfill my obligations and therefore attend the Bridge. Such an action requires me leaving the Captain and I would like to-"

„Gottcha, I´m there in a minute. Just stop this Vulcan shit." Bones muttered through his gritted teeth. Very soon, he appeared in the door of the Sickbay, half asleep, hair disheveled and Spock would swear he saw a T-shirt of some music band before the Doctor adjusted his uniform.

„Did anything happen?" He asked, walking to Jim and scanning him with his tricorder. Spock´s tired mind began to wonder whether Bones slept with all his equipment or just this one.

„I suppose I said I would inform you in any case of emergency. Therefore, I find your question illogical." Spock raised an eyebrow.

„It would be enough to say no,"

„I did not think so, Doctor." Spock turned to the door. „I will leave now. Inform me please in case of any change in Captain´s condition."

„Sure thing. You´d better hurry, I think he will wake up soon." Bones finished scanning of Jim´s body. He gestured to a nurse sitting in the corner and she immediately walked to him. He said something to her and she went away. Spock left without any more word. He didn´t want to hope, hope was illogical and distracting.

„Admiral, I assure you it was the only and most logical option." Spock´s face was expressionless and blank as usual, and yet, something was definitely wrong. Spock knew there was something inside of him that wanted to smash Admiral´s head and grease it with jam and let ants eat him. It was a really weird wish and yet Spock never felt like doing something like that so strongly before.

„I don´t doubt neither your ability to decide what´s the best for a ship, nor Captain Kirk´s ability to decide quickly in stressing situations."

„That is really preferable. I thought you did." Spock´s voice was very sharp. Everybody gasped for air. They had never seen their First Officer acting this way. Even though the only superior they ever seen him talking to was their Captain, so they couldn´t be sure.

„I belive we misundertood, my dear Mr Spock," Admiral smiled but there was no warmth in his eyes.

„That is probably the case." Spock murmured, wisely avoiding complaining about how familiar the Admiral was.

„I do not doubt ability of any member of the crew of U.S.S. Enterprise. However, I request full report of the whole incident, including testimony of Captain Kirk."

„I must inform you that this will probably not be possible in at least few days. As I already informed you, Captain Kirk has been injured and is now unconscious." Spock never felt such a strong urge to punch somebody in the face. Was the other man paying no attention to him at all?

„Then he´d better wake up soon." The Admiral gave Spock strange look. He didn´t understand what was going on. „I want that report soon, Mr Spock."

„Understood. Enterprise out." Spock ended the call before he could say something inappropriate. When he looked around the Bridge, he saw different looks the crew was giving him. That was far too much.

„Lieutenant Uhura, I have to start writing this report. Please call me if necessary, otherwise I will be here with the alpha shift as usual." He stood up and walked away from the Bridge. At first, he considered just going into his headquarters, but before he could think of it, he was in the Medbay.

„Spock? I thought you had to be on the Bridge." McCoy looked up at him in surprise. He was just giving some hypo to an Ensign from Engineering. He stood up quickly as he saw Spock and stared at him. Spock just raised an eyebrow and didn´t pay any real attention to him.

„I had to. But I did not expect how exhausting the call from Star fleet can be." Spock replied and when he thought more about what he just said, he almost slapped himself.

„Wait, you got told off? Like seriously?" McCoy washed his hands and watched the Vulcan who just stood there, stiffly clutching left hand in his right, hiding them behind his back.

„To use Terran terminology, yes I was told off." Spock shifted nervously, willing to be somewhere else.

„Wow. I didn´t think I´d live long enough to see you being told off. Gosh, I want to see that!" Bones grinned.

„I suppose there is some way to get a record of that call." Spock mumbled.

„No, seriously. What happened?" McCoy sat down on one of the biobeds what Spock wasn´t too happy to see. He just wanted to see Jim. To make sure he was okay and maybe calm down while watching him.

„Admiral finds our past actions very dangerous and too risky and even though he tried to say the contrary, I suppose he wants to cause some trouble to me and the Captain. And he wants me to hand some report about this action and he wants Captain´s own words about it. And he wants it very soon even though he is aware of the fact Captain is unconscious." Spock turned around and began to walk across the Sickbay.

„Holy shit, Spock. You know it was dangerous, risky and pretty stupid and if Jim didn´t have all this super-blood, he would probably die, don´t you?"

„It was the only, most logical option. Moreover Captain was not meant to turn the shields off." Dark, deep eyes of the Vulcan somehow glistened and Bones rather swallowed some more comments. If he didn´t know better he would say Spock was angry.

„What will you do?" He asked instead, watching the other carefully.

„Write the report. Make up something for the Captain if necessary."

„You would _cheat_?" Bones exclaimed. „Is it that bad?"

„I do not know. But I suppose Captain wouldn´t be too happy if he woke up and found out Enterprise was taken from him." Spock felt uncomfortable. He didn´t really want to talk about that.

„They can´t do that. I mean he´s unconscious for god´s sake. He should be dead. They can´t want a report from him." Bones shook his head.

„I would really appreciate if you stopped pointing out at the fact that Captain would die if he was a normal human." Spock murmured. Bones stared at him for a while. Sure it was a nasty thing that Jim got into such a terrible accident and so, but he didn´t actually expect Spock to react like this. And obviously, neither did Spock.

„Sure. Uhm… I´m sorry," Bones stood up because he felt really awkward. „Do you want to make sure he´s alright?"

„That would be preferable."

They walked over to one of the biobeds. Spock noticed it was now hidden behind white cloth. He raised an eyebrow gesturing towards it.

„I thought it would be better if I hid him. There were those Ensigns who came here, pretended to be sick but they just wanted to see Jim." Bones shrugged as if it was happening all the time. „I gave them some really awful hypo´s so they would never do it again."

„That is highly illogical," Spock shook head.

„You know, humans are not always logical, especially not young lads. And I think they could do more stupid things than want to see their Captain unconscious."

„I do not understand that."

„They always see him on the Bridge, strong, proud, courageous, invincible. They want to see he´s only a human just like they are."

„He is not only a human." Spock objected.

„No he´s not, but they want to feel like that." McCoy explained. „Nevermind, just come in, I´m not gonna hypo you. At least not now."

Spock didn´t respond, he just stepped behind the cloth. Jim was lying there peaceful, beautiful, sleeping. As he watched him, Spock assumed he´d never seen anything as beautiful as Jim in that moment. Even though he was bruised, his hair sticked to his face with dried blood, he was beautiful. Spock found himself willing to lie down to the bed beside his Captain and he immediately fought those thoughts away. It was not logical to feel like that. He didn´t even understand his feelings. He knew for sure that he liked Jim but he had never felt attracted to him. He was aware of the fact that Jim was handsome, but that didn´t have anything in common with that strange feeling in Spock´s stomach. He simply stood there for some time, staring at the man in front of him and slowly walked away, searching for McCoy.

„Doctor McCoy?" He called as he saw the latter working on something behind his table.

„Yeah? Don´t tell me you want to leave so soon." He turned around on his swivel chair.

„No. I wanted to ask, would it not be advisable to wash the blood off Captain´s body? I mean because of the danger of some infection." Spock called and had to force himself to face Bones. He was sure he was blushing, even though he didn´t know why.

„What? They haven´t done it already?" Bones exclaimed. „Fuck it, I forgot to tell nurses to do it. I´ll call them now."

„Can I help somehow?" Spock´s voice trembled.

„Well, if you don´t really want to wash Jim´s pretty face, no." For a while, Spock actually considered the idea of washing his Captain´s face. Then he realised Bones meant it as a joke. Nobody expected Spock to do it. His will to do it was highly illogical and therefore unwanted. He didn´t know why he felt like that, it just happened. He shook his head and realised there was some real problem he had to meditate over.

Spock returned to his quarters. He had to take a shower and change before he could go to the Medbay again. He had spent almost every minute when he wasn´t expected on the Bridge – and that was really most of the time. Spock realised as a Captain he should be there, but there was nothing going on aroung and he was being given weird looks by the others when he appeared on the Bridge. He couldn´t help the thought that people were talking about him in the very next moment he walked away. The only one who didn´t look guilty when he entered the room was Nyota. He doubt she would gossip about him. He felt he might ask her what was the source of the rumours people were saying about him, but then he just chose to rather avoid talking about it. However, it was troubling him. He had no idea what was going on and he feared the crew might have felt he was doing a bad job as a Captain, that he was not right to do it. He had no idea how humans´ minds worked and it kind of scared him. Afterwards, he just decided there was nothing to do about it so he threw it over his head. But it was still there, trying to make him notice.

He felt uncomfortable on the Bridge. It was strange for him not to have Jim around – to actually sit in his chair – that he found himself running away from the Bridge as soon as he could. He noticed Nyota was giving him troubled looks while the others were just gazing at him, but he could not care less. It was happening and he didn´t dare to try to see more. Instead, he was hiding in the Medbay by Jim´s bed. It wasn´t the best place to go and Bones was sometimes really mad at him when he found Spock sitting on the ground beside Jim´s bed, meditating. He felt illogical fear when he wasn´t around his Captain, he needed to make sure he was fine. In the beginning, he was just going there and visiting. After some time he practically moved there, with work that didn´t require him being anywhere else.

They were cruising the Space that belonged to the Federation but didn´t land anywhere. Bones assured Spock he had enough of everything to keep Jim alive and they weren´t in need of anything. Spock might have been illogically paranoid, but he didn´t dare to land. He still hadn´t sent the report to the Admiral and he didn´t want to leave the Enterprise when Jim was still unconscious. It had been four days since that accident and even though all Jim´s injuries but the broken leg had already healed, he didn´t wake up. Spock had a suspicion that it worried the doctor, but he didn´t say anything. They had to give him some water and nutrients and even then, Spock could almost see how Jim´s body weakened. He told himself it was not possible, but he thought he really saw Jim lose weight.

Doctor McCoy refused to guess what was ahead of Jim. He had no idea and Spock could see his frustration – he had never seen anything like Jim´s miraculous healing and that troubled him. Spock assumed it must have been a terrible experience for the doctor – being completely unable to help his friend. He felt that sort of frustration as well, but wasn´t that bad as he would nto be able to help Jim even if he was healing normally. And of course, he was a Vulcan after all.

Spock allowed himself to look up from the report he was currently working on and watched Jim. He was doing that way too often but he could not help it. Every single time he was sure that time was the one when he would see Jim´s eyelids flicker, his long lashes moving, those wonderful blue eyes watching him. He wanted it so desperately. He would just sit there for another week if only he knew Jim was going to be okay. But he didn´t see any change. Jim´s fingers were curled around the blanket, squeezing it slightly. Spock assured himself that meant Jim was somehow aware of the world, he just didn´t want to wake up yet. He was fine with that, if the Captain felt he needed break then it was okay. But he wanted to know if he wasn´t wrong.

Spock sighed and turned back to the PADD in his hands. This was not logical. If there was any change in Jim´s state, he would be informed by Doctor McCoy. Spock doubted there was any possibility of Jim waking up without his heart-beat elevating or breathing deepening. Spock stared at the words on the screen but their meaning remained hidden. They were flowing in front of his face, moving, tangling, escaping. His mind was not able to focus on them. He found himself reading the same sentence five times and he still could not figure out what he wanted to write. Finally he gave up and put the PADD on the ground, taking few deep breaths.

He had no idea what his body was trying to tell him. Was he ill? Maybe he should ask doctor McCoy to examine him. Or was he tired? Spock was sure he had had sufficient amount of sleep required by Vulcans. Spock didn´t want to admit the other option – that he might have been feeling lonely. Jim was away for only four days but Spock already missed him very badly. In the past days Spock had become to enjoy Bones´ company, but he longed for the long debates with Captain, their games of chess, Jim´s comments on Spock´s choices when it came to food. He even missed that quite annoying habit of Jim to try to make Spock show some emotion what usually ended up making Spock feel really uncomfortable.

Spock suddenly stood up and moved to sit on the bed. There was no reason for that, no logical explanation and yet Spock knew he had to do it. There was need for Jim´s company he didn´t understand. He gave up to this feeling, letting his instinct to take over him. He did actually see his fingers move towards Jim´s hand. He was in some trance. That feeling was so strong, so overwhelming his brain accepted it as undeniable truth – he had to touch Jim. There was physical need as much as mental longing for such a thing. He closed his eyes a bit and his breathing became uneven as his fingers trembled. And suddenly their hands met. Spock gasped as their fingers entwined in a Vulcan kiss. He felt as if somebody put him on a charger and sent electricity all over his body. He had been kissed before, both Vulcan and human ways, but he had never experienced something as strong and overwhelming as this. His fingertips brushed over Jim´s and he shivered again. He had caught some glimpse of a picture or thought before. He didn´t want to invade Jim´s privacy but he couldn´t fight his curiosity. What did Jim see when he was away? Spock wished so badly to know it but his Vulcan nature would never let him steal such a big part of Jim´s secret thoughts. However, he didn´t want to pull away, he simply held Jim´s hand in his, only slight touch, but the most sincere, the most tender he was able to give.

He didn´t know how much time he sat there. He watched Jim´s beautiful features, his closed eyes, his blond hair that lost some of their splendor but were still soft and shining. Spock bent over Jim, resting on his other hand. He had never been so close to anybody except from Nyota and it fascinated him. He knew he was wrong, to take advantage of Jim when there was a chance it wouldn´t happen if he was awake. Well, Spock was sure this wouldn´t happen for one simple reason- he would never lose control so much if there was anyone to witness it. He trusted Jim with his own life, but this was a personal matter and he wouldn´t be so opened. His breathing deepend as he watched Jim´s chest rise and fall. He felt sudden urge to place his hand on Captain´s torso, to feel his breathing, his heartbeat, the heat of his body. He wanted to feel the Captain.

Spock suddenly pulled away, noticing what happened. He was really shocked. How could he even dare to do something like that? It was illogical, and it was loathesome even for a human. To sneak on somebody who was fast asleep and therefore vulnerable. To touch him even though he wasn´t allowed to. To even think of trying to steal some of the most secret thoughts. To invade a personal space of a person that couldn´t defend himself. To take an advantage over a person who trusted him. Who considered him as a friend.

Spock shook his head and quickly stood up, almost jumping away from Jim. He could not be there, he should not be there. Jim´s presence was influencing him too much, causing him to do illogical, unacceptable things. He breathed in deeply, trying to calm himself down. He noticed his heart was pounding and he could feel sweat on his hands. What had he done? He grabbed the PADD from the ground and was about to leave.

„Spock," Silent voice, hardly a whisper, made his heart skip a beat.

* * *

_**I do SINCERELY apologize for another cliffhanger. It wasn´t planned, it just sneaked in. It´s not my fault! :)**_

_**I hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway. Let me know! Did you? Didn´t you? Remember the last time when we did that "moo" thing? Yeah, so now we can try a "woof" one. :) No, seriously, reviews mean everything to me.**_

_**Live long and prosper (Or Live long enough to see the next chapter.)**_

_**Ellstra out.**_


	8. Fragile

_**Hello there, I´m back. If you want to ask what took me so long to update, it was - not entirely mine - decision to get a beta reader. This way I would like to thank Rubyhair for doing that for me, I´m grateful for that. I hope you find her help as useful as I do. **_

_**Anyway, thank you all for reading, it always amazes me when I see how many people obviously read my story. I didn´t even believe in that. :)**_

* * *

_"Spock," A silent voice, hardly above a whisper, made his heart skip a beat._

Spock turned around in bewilderment. He hadn´t heard that voice in few days, but he was sure he didn´t picture it. Or maybe he just desperately wanted to hear it.

Jim was still asleep; at least it seemed like he was to Spock. His eyes were closed, his chest rising and falling slightly. The only thing that changed, that Spock noticed, was Jim´s position. Even though he had laid on his back because of his previous injuries, now he turned to his left side. Spock watched his arms clutching the blanket tightly to his chest.

The half Vulcan raised his eyebrow in an attempt to understand the situation. Should he wait? Theoretically his Captain called him and therefore he was obligated to stay. However, Spock was almost sure Jim neither had any idea about his past actions nor was awake. He wanted to stay and that scared him. He shouldn´t want to spend time with his Captain. That was based on feelings; Spock couldn´t find any logical answer for the simple question: "Why?"

Spock stared at Jim, not daring to come closer; there were too many emotions welling up inside of himself. It would take some serious meditation to sort them out, but at that moment he simply was incapable of understanding them. He watched Jim as he lay there, strands of blond hair falling from the bandage, scattered all over the pillow, peaceful look of complete happiness on his handsome face. Spock was fascinated by Jim´s expression, feeling irresistible desire to watch him. He knew, deep inside, that he would feel very guilty afterwards. He was very sure he wouldn´t want Jim to watch him if he was asleep, even though the thought wasn´t as uninviting as it should be. Spock stepped back. He couldn´t think of these things so close to Jim. It would only cause him to lose his control to stay in Jim´s radiant presence.

The half Vulcan was unsure what to do. On one hand, he wanted to stay. He felt somehow peaceful and calm in there, he believed everything was going to be alright. But on the other, he knew he should leave. He had to meditate, to escape from Jim´s charm that was embracing him, hugging him and threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn´t afford that. Jim´s presence was too vivid, too significant. It was very hard for Spock to stay focused on anything, even though he didn´t know why. It was illogical.

"No."

Spock was so buried in his thoughts that he hadn't seen Jim´s lips moving. Now he knew he hadn't pictured it before when he heard Jim talking. Jim had spoken, Spock heard him as clearly as he could hear McCoy quietly talking with some nurse in the background. He didn´t dream of it. He was still inclined to believe his mind, in that moment occupied with matters of very emotional nature, decided to act independently on Spock´s consciousness and showed him what he wanted, but he couldn´t ignore this silent, short word. But what was the question Jim thought he had asked him that he was answering 'no' to? As with many things pertaining to Jim Kirk, it was totally illogical.

Spock doubted Jim was awake. He checked him once again, but his eyes were closed. Nevertheless Spock noticed Jim´s eyeballs were moving feverishly under his eyelids. He bent his knees so his face was right in the level of Jim´s. He watched Jim dreaming and had to keep his hands pressed between his thighs to resist the wish to just touch him and see what was in Jim´s mind.

"No!" Suddenly, Jim shrieked and gave a lurch, lying on his back again. It surprised Spock that much he almost fell down. He quickly stood up, reaching for his Captain to wake him up.

"Please!" Another groan escaped Jim´s slightly parted lips. Spock heard such a pain in his voice it stopped him for a while. He couldn´t touch Jim now. He was sure their minds would meet and he didn´t want to face such a fear.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bones rushed in with a pretty nurse right behind. Spock was immediately very aware of his whereabouts. And he felt ashamed for refusing to share the suffering Jim was going through. He should have helped him without thinking – Jim would do that. Instead, he blankly stared at him, leaving him in pain. It may have been illogical, because transferring thoughts would mean two people in pain instead of one, but it didn´t matter. Jim needed help.

"No. Please!" Jim cried again and tossed himself. Bones´ eyes widened as he saw Jim´s torso moving under the blanket. In that instant Spock didn´t hesitate and grabbed Jim´s shoulders, pinning him down into the mattress. He put his arm across Jim´s chest to steady him while he hesitantly connected his fingers with Jim´s face. He never wanted to invade Jim´s privacy by melding with him without permission, but he thought Jim´s health was more important. Spock stopped thinking when he was drawn into Jim´s nightmare.

_Hot. It is so hot everywhere. Spock can´t breathe, he can´t think. Everything is suffocating, painful, even excruciating. Sweating eyes, hair pasted into wet strands blocking his view. Somebody else kneeling before him, crying, sobbing, shaking. He kneels down beside this person whose face is hidden in hands, sweaty back was visibly shining into the darkness around. He reaches for that poor human, only wanting to help. Their skins meet, burning with desire, pain, suffering. There is no reaction from the human who remained curled into a ball, crying. Fingers caress the trembling man's shoulders when a screech of pain escaped his dry, bleeding lips._

_"Spock!"_

_Tied hands reach forward, to touch something he couldn´t see. But he saw pain in those blue eyes, in deep lagoons full of misery and despair. Dark warm eyes meet scared, troubled icy ones in slow motion. As their eyes meet their souls intertwine, locking them, tying them together, drawing one to another. A connection is created, they gasp for air, tears of relief flow down their cheeks._

_"Is it…is it you?" The human sighs through delicate, beautiful lips._

_"Yes. It is me, Jim. There is no need to fear. I am here with you." Spock says, slowly taking Jim's shaking fingers into his own._

_"Are you real? Or is this just another hallucination to break me down?" Jim's words filled with fear, pain hidden in the meaning._

_"I must say that question is illogical due to my assumption you would receive precisely the answer you desire if I was a hallucination." Spock replied._

_Those glistening blue eyes shone with hope._

_"Do not fear, Jim. You are safe." He whispered soothingly, as they tangled their fingers. They both felt the passion, love, and companionship._

_"Will you stay with me?" Jim pleads. Silence. Everything is hotter, brighter, more painful._

_"Affirmative," Spock says softly._

_Lips crashing; greeting, love, trust, belief. Relieving silence, cooling off, pain diminishing. Soft, pleasant light, feeling of being loved, proximity. Wish to stop world and live forever. Desire, longing._

_"We have to go. Follow me," Spock whispers as their lips part to breathe. One hand holding another, they walk away._

Spock opened his eyes and quickly stood up, taking as many steps backward as possible. He hoped he had done all what was necessary but he wasn´t sure. He knew that if Jim didn´t wake up soon, it would mean troubles. He pushed thoughts like that from his mind. They were irrelevant. Of course Jim would wake up.

"What was that supposed to be, hobgoblin?" Bones was scanning Jim while he yelled at Spock who wanted to run away and meditate until the end of his life. At least. "Where´s all that ´I won´t hurt him´ shit?"

"I did not intend to hurt the Captain." Spock said flatly. "He had what you call a nightmare so I tried to soothe him in his pain."

"By lying on him, choking him and squeezing his face?" McCoy snapped and turned to face Spock who just raised an eyebrow.

"All my actions were simply logical. I had to keep the Captain steady to achieve functioning mind meld. Mind meld was necessary for soothing him and to keep his mind occupied with something different than his fear." Spock watched Leonard´s face, his eyes avoiding Jim when he remembered what actually was Jim´s fear. He didn´t realize when he was there, he had more important things to do.

"You were… you were in his mind without his permission?" Bones gasped for air. "I thought it´s seen as rude and you can´t do it."

"It is against Vulcan nature to mind meld with any living soul if this soul does not allow us to do it." Spock said quietly, but his gaze was steady upon Bones.

"How did you know Jim wanted you to… you know, do that hobgoblin thing?"

"I did not." Spock said simply.

"But why did you-"

"Bones?" a barely perceptible, hoarse voice sounded behind McCoy´s back. He immediately turned around walking to Jim. Spock wanted to run away, to run illogically quickly, and hide from the sight of those piercing blue eyes, so similar to those he had seen in Jim´s nightmare. He remembered how hurt Jim had looked, how desperate, and a wave of guilt washed over him. It was his fault that Kirk was so attached to him, enough to dread his death in his dreams. Spock knew he had to cut out all familiarities with his Captain, no matter how painful it felt. He couldn´t let his tiny wishes to spend time in Jim´s company take precedence and allow the formation of a relationship between them that might affect their mission, the _Enterprise_ or her crew. He knew he was to blame in this case just as much as Jim, if not even more. While humans were inclined to form illogical relationships, attachments and bonds, and in the area of relationships, Jim was very human. Vulcans were supposed to stay calm and avoid such things. The fact that Spock let it get that far was very alarming and he knew he had encouraged Jim; he supported his belief and natural will to form some sort of connection. It was only his fault that he hadn´t realized sooner that Jim depended too much on him. It made him feel sorry for Jim because he knew severing everything that was between them will cause Jim much pain. But it was inevitable.

"Jim," Bones nodded simply, but his eyes were warm. "How do you feel?"

"As if I fell from the sky." Came the reply and Bones chuckled.

"Well, that´s basically what happened. What do you remember?" Bones sat down on the chair Spock left there. As he stood aside, he let Jim see the half Vulcan standing behind, blank expression on his face. Jim stared at him for a while and tried to sort out the mess of feelings that washed over him as he saw his First officer. He remembered his nightmare very well. He remembered every detail, but most of all, he remembered the other Spock, the shining one that was much more real than anything else. The shining Spock that came to save him. _Affirmative_. Only Spock would say affirmative in such a situation. He looked in the eyes of the man standing in front of him and he knew these were the same eyes. He didn´t imagine them. Spock had been there to save him.

"I had a dinner with Spock. It was great and I realized…" Jim closed his mouth immediately before he could say more. He wanted to slap himself for being that stupid. Why couldn´t he keep his pathetic feelings to himself?! Especially since he wasn´t really sure about them. He looked into Spock´s eyes, searching for help in them, but he immediately looked away. He felt as if Spock´s gaze was burning his brain. His dark eyes were deep and Jim couldn´t read anything in them. It scared him, because his Vulcan friend usually let him see what he felt. It made Jim feel special, nobody else seemed to understand Spock as well, except maybe only Uhura. And now it was gone. Spock was cold, distant and, it seemed, didn´t want to help him. Jim wanted to curl into a ball and pretend he was unconscious as he saw it.

"I went to bed. I couldn´t fall asleep but finally I managed. And that´s all." Jim said instead, his voice weak and trembling. How was he supposed to remember, to speak, when he couldn´t say what he actually knew? Why should he talk when Spock obviously rejected him, didn´t want him to talk, didn´t want him to say what he felt. Spock betrayed him.

"How did I get here?" he asked silently to make Bones busy with something else than examining him. He didn´t want his friend to know how he felt. He didn´t want anybody to know how much it hurt. If Spock didn´t want him to, then very well. He didn´t need anybody to understand him. He could deal with his strange feelings himself, he wasn´t a child. If Spock could deal with feelings, he could do it as well.

"You had one of your not too uncommon moments of being a complete idiot and sacrificed yourself to save us by letting yourself get killed – doesn´t this sound familiar?" Bones said bitterly and expected Jim to grin back at him. He didn´t. The Captain just stared at his First officer in attempt to understand why those deep eyes, not so long ago warm and loving turned into cold wells. Maybe he pictured that Spock in his dream. Maybe it wasn´t him after all. It was just his wish to see the Vulcan here, it was his mind playing with him, trying to convince him Spock was able to open to him, to love him. Jim looked at the cold, materialized logic in front of him and closed his mind in bitter anger. This man would never get too close to him. Jim wouldn´t let him hurt his feelings again.

"Jim, did you hear me?" Jim shook his head and focused on Bones in front of him again. The worry on his face was so evident Jim feared he had a big snake on his head. He wasn´t very fond of them since that incident with Gorns few months ago.

"Uhm, I´m sorry, Bones. What did you say?" His eyes wandered over the room.

"I asked you how did you feel, you idiot. Are you in pain?" Bones took a flashlight from somewhere and for a while, Jim was dazzled by sharp light in his eyes.

"Geez, Bones, what the hell was that for?" he shrieked and blinked.

"I was testing if your pupils worked properly." McCoy answered matter-of-factly. "Will you now please kindly answer my question?"

Jim thought about it for a while. He felt a dull ache in his chest. He hadn´t realized it before, but every breath hurt. Not much, just a little, but it was there. His whole body was stiff from not moving so he tried to stretch himself. As he tried to move his arms, he felt sharp pain in both of them. As if he had been lifting too heavy things the day before. He slowly moved his head and his neck protested against it. And of course, there was this little detail with his right leg. He tried to move it, but it didn´t respond. He panicked. Not only he couldn´t move it, he didn´t even feel it. His hands quickly moved to make sure it was there. Bones frowned as he saw the small movement.

"Does that leg hurt?" He asked and tried to hide his worry from Jim who was obviously pretty frightened himself. Spock watched Jim´s face very carefully and spotted fear as much as relief when Jim found out he still had his leg. So there was still hope.

"No. I don´t feel it, Bones. I was afraid I didn´t have it." Jim frowned as he tried to sit up. It wasn´t particularly easy with his sore body, but he was determined to see the damage done to one of his limbs. He shut his eyes in effort to keep them from crying as sharp pain washed over his body. If he hadn't, he would have seen Spock´s eyes full of concern.

"Jim, stop it. If it hurts you, just stop it. You mustn´t exhaust yourself. If not because of yourself, do it because of me, for god´s sake." McCoy´s sharp voice stopped Jim. He blinked quickly to fight the tears forming in his eyes. He gave up and laid back down.

"What have you done to my beautiful leg, Bones?" He tried to say it as a joke, but the pain in his voice was too evident.

"I haven´t done anything to your leg. It was your fault and only your fault, you idiot." Bones took the blanket off Jim´s leg to look at it. He tried to sound he had the situation firmly in his hands, but the truth was he didn´t have any idea why Jim wasn´t aware of his leg. Bones started to remove complicated iron frame that kept Jim´s leg steady. He couldn´t use normal plaster because of the wound so he had to use metal what definitely wasn´t his favorite material to work with. But it was necessary; he couldn´t let Jim´s bone grow it wanted.

For two minutes the only sound was silent chattering of the small nails under Leonard´s hands and Jim´s shallow breathing. Spock stood motionlessly as far from Jim as possible. In fact he wanted to leave, but he couldn´t; not when Jim needed him. He might have promised himself to stay away from the Captain, but that didn´t mean he didn´t feel obligated to stay with Jim and make sure he was alright.

Finally Jim´s leg was free and Spock noticed few blue, purple or even green bruises all over it. He took in a deep breath as he tried to concentrate. This wasn´t logical. Such minor injuries should be healed within seconds or minutes with Jim´s blood. Therefore they shouldn´t turn green, they should just disappear. Spock waited few more seconds to see if there was any change and then started to worry. He wanted to tell Bones about it, but the doctor seemed to have enough problems himself. His careful fingers unwrapped the first layer of bandage covering Jim´s thigh.

Kirk moaned and closed eyes in pain. Spock immediately turned his attention to his Captain´s face instead of his leg, while Bones concentrated on another dressing. After while he gave up loosening it and stood up to get some scissors. He glanced at Jim very briefly. He didn´t like how weak his friend seemed to be. Like Spock, he couldn´t ignore how thin Jim looked. When he passed the Vulcan, he looked at him, his worry very visible in the moment.

Spock knew he should try to soothe Jim, as a friend. He wanted to do, his heart screamed for it. But his cold Vulcan side was whispering in his mind, silently but flatly. He couldn´t. Jim might not understand the gesture as Spock meant it. So he just watched his friend in pain, unable to help him.

Bones returned back and without looking aside sat down beside Jim again. Cold blades of scissors touched Jim´s skin but he didn´t know. He didn´t shiver because he wasn´t aware of the cold steel on his thigh. McCoy threw away another piece of cloth. Spock noticed there was only a square of white that remained adherent to Jim´s skin. When he looked closer, he found out it wasn´t absolutely white. Leonard frowned as he saw it.

He wanted to warn Jim he was about to take it away, but he changed his mind when he remembered Jim couldn´t feel anything. He took one corner between two fingers and quickly removed it. Jim´s whole, weak body shook with that movement.

Spock wanted to come closer but he didn´t. And he was glad for that, because what he saw wasn´t very nice even from the distance.

Spock remembered what Jim´s leg had looked like when he was rescued. He was sure the wound hadn´t been that big. He stared at it just like McCoy. They both gazed at Jim´s thigh and tried to understand what was going on. It wasn´t bleeding. Bones had no idea how that was even possible, but Jim wasn´t bleeding at all. The wound was opened enough to reveal the bone under and yet there was not a single drop of blood seeping from it. Leonard frowned as he noticed that. Such a big injury should bleed. There was no explanation. If Jim wasn´t bleeding, his blood wasn´t circulating through his body. In that case he should be dead. And yet he was not. Leonard felt the beginnings of a migraine.

McCoy ´s fingers were gently touching edges of the wound while Spock busied himself with watching emotions on Jim´s face. Kirk´s eyes were closed, unlike his mouth. Spock noticed the Captain was obviously in pain. He could no longer watch it.

"Doctor McCoy, if I may interrupt-"

"No, you may not. Damnit, I´m trying to fix this guy up." Bones didn´t look at Spock.

"Then I am very sorry to cause problems but I would like to suggest you to give the Captain some painkillers. He seems to suffer." Spock kept his voice devoid of emotion.

"What do you mean?" Bones stood up and watched Jim. He saw sweat on his face, just like tightly shut eyes.

"Shit. Why didn´t you tell me something hurts you, Jim?" He hurried away, pushing Spock aside as he did so. The half Vulcan hesitantly came closer to Kirk.

"Didn´t want a hypo," he mumbled just after needle entered his body. "Damn you."

"You could´ve thanked me," Bones growled and sat down on the chair.

"Spock, come here, please." His tone was serious, just like his expression. Spock silently moved and followed the doctor who went away. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I sewed up the wound when I got Jim here. I had to use different kinds of stitches because he managed to screw his leg up pretty bad. Now I've done my God damned field medicine and I know how to put in sutures and they're fucking gone!"

"Are you implying that Captain removed said stitches from his injury?" Spock said as heraised both eyebrows again. McCoy wanted to punch him in the face.¨

"I´m not implying anything. I have no idea what happened, for god´s sake. The only thing I know is that this sucks." Bones growled back.

"I apologize, doctor. What do you want me to do?" Spock couldn´t see the reason why would Bones want him there. If he didn´t assume Spock was Jim´s closest person because there was nothing to do…

"I need to do something about it. And I have to admit you´re pretty smart hobgoblin so I want you to help me. Try to think." Bones smirked. "I know it´s weird that I admit you can help me. But now I´m really desperate. I think the wound is bigger, stitches are nowhere to be seen."

Spock contemplated McCoy's request for several seconds then quickly walked back the way they came, a very curious Bones in tow.

McCoy knew that Spock didn't take any action unless he thought it was logical. So, he followed him back toward Jim's bed where the Vulcan stopped by the pile of bandages on the floor. He knelt cautiously and began searching through the pile. Just as McCoy was about to ask him what he was looking for Spock stood, and looked him in the eye with something in his hand.

"Fascinating," he said simply and laid some string covered in blood in McCoy´s hand.

"The thread I used." Bones mumbled in bewilderment.

"As I thought." Spock made a small pause. "I have a theory."

„Of course you do," Bones said through gritted teeth.

"I assume Captain has some kind of allergy. His body is not able to accept the treatment you used. I suggest you to try to find another way to repair the damage done to Captain´s leg."

"I see your point. It makes sense. The wound opened more to evict anything that irritated it." Bones said, deep in thoughts.

"Those are the words I would use." Spock nodded in agreement.

"So now we know why the bone healed perfectly while muscles, tendon, nerves and skin didn´t make any progress. This also explains why Jim doesn´t feel anything. With all his nerves torn this way there´s no wonder. The question is…"

"What to do." Spock watched Jim´s face once again.

"I have nothing else to use to fix that. This is the best thing used in modern medicine. I don´t have anything else." Bones sat down again, his eyes focused on his knees. Spock approached him, his mind working as fast as it could.

"Doctor?" Bones looked up at him. "I might be wrong, but as far as I remember this flesh was torn before."

"Yeah. You´re right, Spock." McCoy watched the wound under his fingers.

"I suggest letting the wound as it is." Spock said softly. He watched Captain´s face and noticed Kirk had fallen asleep again.

"I can´t believe I´m taking advice from you. But thanks anyway."

"You do not have to thank me. I am glad I helped." Spock said quickly, silently admiring Jim´s pretty face before turning around.

"I am going to my quarters now. Inform me in case of any change." He nodded at Bones and quickly left. Doctor stared at him. He couldn´t understand what was going on. Spock slept in this room for the last few days and now he left just when Jim woke up. He didn´t notice anything what was going on between those two when he paid attention to Jim´s injury. He put some cover on Jim´s thigh and left, closing door of his office behind him.

_**Yay, finally without a cliffhanger! I´m so proud of myself. The next chapter doesn´t end in one either, I promise. :)**_

_**Anyway, let me please know what do you think of this; chapter, story, anything. I hope I can take a serious criticism.**_

_**Thank you. Live long and prosper.**_


	9. Distance

_**I want to thank everybody for your support, it amazes me every time I see somebody noticed my story. Thank you for everything, it makes me very happy. Big thanks belongs to my Beta reader Rubyhair who had the patience to read through this. **_

_**Enjoy this chapter and don´t forget to leave a review. :)**_

* * *

Spock let the door shut behind him. Then he took off the uniform he was wearing and after short hesitation even the black undershirt. He didn´t forget to put it on its right place; although he didn´t fold it up as well as he usually did. He placed his shoes by the wall and he immediately climbed onto his bed. Most of all he wanted to sleep because that would allow him to forget everything, while meditating would definitely cause more problems. Generally it was not Spock's style to take the easy way, however in this one instance he chose to make an exception. He simply wanted to do the "human thing" and fall asleep only to wake up the next day to find out he was imagining everything.

He hadn't forgotten nor was he able to ignore what he had seen of Jim´s nightmare. Those strong emotions; the pain in every fibres of Jim´s being when he thought he had lost him forever would not be easy to forget. It had been an extremely intense experience.

Now, as his mind resumed its normal pace, he realised how serious this situation was: If he saw Jim as having some wet, pubertal dreams about him, it would alarm him, it would shock him; however it wouldn´t worry him. Wet dreams were something Spock could not understand as it was illogical to picture actions of sexual nature with person that was normally out of person´s reach, but he was aware they were very common among humans and there usually wasn´t much to worry about. However a nightmare was a serious business. In a nightmare a person's subconscious takes over and drowns them in their worst fears. An occasional nightmare wasn´t bad. The problem was if those nightmares were based on fear of losing a person you simply could not have.

Spock slowly took off his trousers and increased the temperature in the room. He needed to feel as comfortable as possible, because this wasn´t going to be easier for him. He toned down the lights and sat back, legs crossed and closed his eyes.

The problem with dreams in general was that they were always based on person´s thoughts. It didn´t matter how much people tried to deny it – it was a simple fact. Nightmares were based on real fears, dreams were based on lust, wishes or experiences. Vulcans were aware of the fact that dreams were important and inevitable even though they looked very illogical. Spock accepted their existence, however he was concerned: What should he think about what he saw in Jim´s mind? Every logical side of this was saying it was wrong. And yet Spock couldn´t force himself not to feel a spike of arousal at the thought.

Starfleet regulations forbade any romantic involvement between important officers – and he and Jim were definitely important officers. He was sure that the part of Jim from that dream expected its Spock to love him. The half Vulcan hadn´t noticed any signs of special attachment Captain would show toward him, but subconscious was always faster than knowing mind. If Jim feared losing Spock in his dreams, it was only a matter of time when he started to feel the same awake. Spock couldn´t allow that to happen.

If he withdrew from the Captain in that moment, it might cause pain and a certain amount of confusion. But that would only last for few days, possibly weeks. It was still before the point of no return, the situation could be saved.

Spock admitted to himself that he was afraid of distancing himself from Jim, but he could manage it. He would need to be extremely cautious and careful. Jim, however, would likely be problematic. It was likely that as Spock distanced himself, Jim would push to find out why. Over time, Spock was becoming less and less surprised by humans´ actions, however Jim always had the capacity to astonish him. It was usually a nice thing – like when Jim had given him his favourite Vulcan food even though he hadn´t remembered talking about it. But in this instance, Spock was dreading Jim´s reaction. He could be angry, sad, hurt, vengeful or something else. The only thing Spock doubted was that Jim would be reasonable and understanding. Not that Jim didn´t have sense of compassion, quite the contrary. Jim simply became too emotional occasionally.

Spock somehow doubted Jim would understand all logical reasons why they should skip their "going out" as Jim preferred to call it. Spock didn´t want to lose those evenings with his Captain because recently they had been enjoying each other´s presence too much. That was the problem, though. Spock couldn´t expect this pleasure to be a one way road. If he enjoyed it, he asked Jim for another appointment. That was a logical conclusion. Even such an illogical person like Jim followed this simple instinct. And he´d started asking Spock "out" very often. Spock was surprised when he found out how many evening he had spent alone in last few weeks. The number wasn´t very far from zero.

For a while Spock allowed himself to admit how illogical it was. He enjoyed his Captain´s friendship just like Jim enjoyed his. They had worked much better since they´d started working together instead of one beside another. Their extraordinary relationship hadn´t affected anything, not in the wrong way. Spock could feel everybody was pleased to see them together. Well, maybe not everybody, but Nyota would understand.

Nyota… Spock had been in a relationship with her for quite a while. Even aboard the _Enterprise_ and few people knew and as far as Spock knew nobody minded. Uhura was part of the Bridge crew, very important officer. But she was not a Captain. Starfleet wasn´t watching her every move. There were no Admirals seeking for her fault. With Christopher Pike gone there was nobody to guard Jim but his crew. With Spock in the front line.

Spock couldn´t get Jim to troubles like that. It was an unforgivable mistake made by a Captain to get romantically involved with any member of his crew. It was a blunder to even watch your crew members when you were a Captain. It was a transgression to be in a relationship with a Chief of some part of the ship. But it was a crime of immorality to date own First Officer. Of course, nobody had ever said so, but Spock was almost sure. That was why so few women got to be First officer – it was easier to keep Captains off the ship´s most important person beside them. However it didn´t seem to stop Jim.

Obedience and submission had never been Kirk´s best qualities. That´s why they were so perfect together. They were each other´s opposites; counterparts and that made them perfect and unbeatable once they´d got after the first misunderstandings. It didn´t matter how different they were, at last they were very similar and they were made for each other. Was it really fair for the Starfleet brass to keep them from what was between them? Wasn´t it unnatural to deny what made them who they were? Spock knew he wasn´t the one to answer that, but he could ask.

He could ask, but not expect the answer. The fact was, he could not be with Jim. It surprised him how much he actually thought of being with Jim, but it felt necessary. Spock understood it wasn´t possible, not as long as they served on the same ship. He understood all the logic behind, he knew why it was inevitable to tell Jim that lie – that he didn´t care for him more than he would care for any other Captain. But he wasn´t able to put up with it. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn´t force himself to admit that was true. Of course it could be wrong and could cause many problems.

Spock realised how fragile human relationships were, there was a very high danger of their break up and with humans being vengeful creatures, it was advisable to avoid such kind of relationship aboard any Starship, especially_Enterprise_ with almost five years still ahead of her. But this was not the case. Yes, there were three quarters of humanity in their relationship, but what mattered was that Vulcan quarter. It made a significant difference between anything that could come from Earth and them. It was a perfect balance, the best qualities from both worlds in peace. Vulcan´s logic with Earth´s understanding, compassion, love. Spock couldn´t picture any better combination.

Spock stopped his imagination before it could hurt him even more. It wasn´t possible to achieve such an relationship and therefore there was no need to think of any what if´s. The truth was that they weren´t meant to be together, not in that universe and it was up to Spock to let the world see the terrible truth, no matter how much it hurt. He had to do it, because it was logical and it was logic not emotion that was important. He shoved his slowly burning emotions back. It was bad enough to put up with Jim´s feelings. He absolutely_did not_need his own in addition.

After many hours, Spock woke up from his trance. His body was sweaty, his soft dark hair messed and wet. He stood up and stretched his body before slowly walking to take a shower and go back to work. Suddenly, he wished there was some real danger that might keep him distracted from his miserable state of mind.

* * *

Jim felt terrible. He almost called for Bones to give him some hypo so he would fall asleep and forget the look Spock had given him. He didn´t feel physical pain, it was still somewhere else and he wasn´t very aware of his body. Not that he minded; he had enough problems without feeling like a sore, weak mass of carbon compounds. Jim had relied on his muscles a lot during past years. He was used to being strong and tough but now he felt like a fragile remnant of Captain James T. Kirk. Even blinking now seemed to be an impossible quest. He wanted to change his position but he wasn´t able to. He was paralysed. Unable to move.

Jim wanted to ask Bones what the hell was that, but he changed his mind. He didn´t want to show how weak he actually was. The fact he just almost died gave him the right to be a bit weak. So, he didn´t bother himself with it; he would certainly be getting much better soon. Therefore there was no need to tell Bones that he wasn´t even able to raise his own arm.

He closed his eyes in a futile attempt to fall asleep. He knew it wasn´t likely he would be granted a pleasure of sweet sleep but everything seemed to be better than what he felt back then. He was betrayed. He couldn´t find another word for it. Why had Spock been there after he´d woken up if he didn´t care for Jim at all? Why had he been standing there, watching him with that hollow look if he hadn´t felt anything? Of course, Spock was a robot. There was no real chance that he would feel anything. He was a cold _fucking_Vulcan. Jim hated him, right? He couldn´t feel anything else for that frozen piece of ice with pointy ears. He had only pictured all those gestures of affection from his First officer. Spock was simply too clever and had had some secret plan that included Jim falling for his game of _I may be a cold Vulcan, but I am also a human and want you to be my friend._

Jim gritted his teeth as he remembered that last evening before the accident which led to his miserable state. Those emotions on Spock´s face when he´d seen the strange green stuff Jim would never even accidentally accuse of being food. Was that a mistake? Was Spock such a good actor to pretend that? Jim didn´t want to believe it, he wanted to think Spock had at least some emotions. Jim didn´t want to admit everything he had believed in for past few months meant nothing or even was a lie.

His mind travelled without his permission to the most painful and stressing thing in his life. He didn´t want to recall that, not now when it almost happened again. And yet he returned back to that moment, he was lying on the floor again, every cell in his body burning with radiation. Everything hurt and all he wanted was to close eyes and never wake up again. But he couldn´t, he had to make sure his ship was alright, his crew was alright, _Spock_ was alright. Jim felt bitter hatred towards the Vulcan. He had cared for him in his last moments, and Spock couldn´t at least pretend any compassion now when he was in pain. But back then he had been able to. Or maybe it was just another lie Jim had told himself.

_"How do you choose not to feel?" He says, voice cracking, full of pain. He watches the person on the other side. He has never hated any non-living thing more than this panel of cold, unfeeling glass. He knows it is the only thing that keeps the radiation from the rest of the ship and it couldn´t be taken away. But he wants it to be removed anyway. He is childish but he´s dying, for god´s sake._

"_I do not know. Right now I am failing," Spock's soft whisper full of pain reaches his ears. He can barely hear it, blood is circulating loudly in his head. His eyes find the face on the other side and he knows he´s dying when he sees tears in Spock´s face. Spock never cries, this must be a hallucination, one last sweet dream before death. Spock cares for him._

_The only thing Jim wants is to curl into a ball and hide himself in Spock´s arms. It´s a very illogical wish and he knows it will hurt him even more to die alone. He looks into Spock´s face and he realises he´s never seen a more beautiful person before. He admires Spock´s sharp cheekbones, his pointy ears. And most of all those deep brown eyes. No matter what is ahead of him, Jim will always remember Spock´s eyes in that moment that are more human than any other eyes he´s ever seen._

Jim quickly opened eyes again and took few deep breaths. Yeah, he definitely helped himself when he recalled this. He wanted to rub his face but he wasn´t able to. He frowned in frustration. This was the worst depression in his life. He couldn´t try to beat it out during some physical exercise because he wasn´t even able to raise his head. Jim growled and closed his eyes again.

He wanted Spock to be with him, he wanted him there, to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay. Spock was never going to be doing that. Jim was just stupid enough to picture it, to dream of it. Spock was a Vulcan and they never did anything so emotional. He wouldn´t come to comfort Jim. He didn´t care for him.

Jim didn´t know how he felt about Spock. On one hand, he felt desperately lonely and sad. No matter how much he tried to deny it, Spock was one of the most important people in his life. Jim didn´t admit – wasn´t able to admit – how much he relied on Spock´s loyalty and friendship. It was painful to remember Spock had his own life; a life without James T. Kirk. He didn´t want to believe it. Spock was his and Jim was quite possessive about his belongings. Sure, he hadn't minded when Spock left to do something on his own, because Jim had always known he would come back again.

However, when he saw that cold gaze in Spock´s eyes, he when he woke up he wasn´t sure anymore. Spock was going to leave him alone and Jim wasn´t sure he would be able to stand life aboard _Enterprise_ without Spock by his side. Yes, he loved his ship, but whenever he thought about her, _Enterprise_ meant also her crew. And crew without Spock wasn´t complete. Jim had admitted to himself that without Spock, they wouldn´t be alive by now. Success of their mission didn´t depend on parts, but on the whole, a huge complex combination with him and Spock sitting in the centre. If Spock decided to turn his back to him – for some reason – they were in danger.

Jim couldn´t understand it. Had he done something wrong? Something that could offend Spock? He didn´t know but, hell, he didn´t remember past few days. Suddenly he knew what to do. He didn´t know how he would be able to manage it when he couldn´t walk, but he needed to talk to Spock.

He tried to move to call some nurse but he didn´t know how. When he imagined calling on Bones, he almost felt his throat ache. Of course, he could have just waited but that wasn´t Jim´s cup of tea. He wanted his answers right then. And he was getting bored anyway. He noticed some of the wires that led from his body to the machine behind his back. He recognised nutrition and decided to leave that one on its place, because it wasn´t necessary for his plan. The others were a mystery for him. At the end, he simply threw all of them away, causing a terrifying outburst of beeping and shouting.

McCoy ran into Jim´s part of the room to find him lying in the bed, grinning slightly as he saw the doctor´s expression.

"What the hell was that?" McCoy hissed and came closer, calming the machine down. He looked at Jim who didn´t seem to have a cardiac arrest. Maybe he just needed some hypo to stop thinking about stupid things.

"I´m bored, Bones. To be honest, your Sickbay is not the best place to spend free time." Jim yawned and tried to look completely healthy even though it wasn´t particularly easy when he couldn´t sit up.

"You´re not spending free time here. You´re here because you almost died," Bones growled and scanned Jim to actually get his heart rate.

"Yes, I know, but still. If I had the luck to get here, I should enjoy staying here." Jim insisted. Bones just rolled his eyes.

"No, you shouldn't. Do you think anybody would work if Medbay was a nice place for holiday?"

"Well, at least now I know why are you so grumpy all the time. Did you choose this?" Jim looked honestly worried. Bones would almost have believed him his concern, if only Kirk didn´t grin.

"Yes. Without me, this place would be even worse." He paused to make the situation more dramatic. "Why do you think hospital food is so disgusting? It´s the only thing that helps protect me from crazy fans."

"Yeah, I'm sure," Jim smirked. "Speaking of that disgusting hospital food, when do I get some of it?"

"Will you never stop eating?" Bones asked in bewilderment.

"I don´t eat all the time. Technically, right now I´m not eating. Or when I sleep. And most of the time when I´m on duty. That leaves pretty much time of not eating."

"You´re an idiot," Bones muttered. "So what do you want? I don´t think you did this to talk to me."

"Of course not. I wanted to see your pretty face." Jim pretended to be insulted.

"Really?" Bones raised an eyebrow. "And what will your Vulcan boyfriend say when he finds out?"

Jim stared blankly. He opened his mouth and after a while closed it again. There was nothing to be said. Leonard´s words hurt him more than he thought they could. Bones spotted the expression on Kirk´s face and quickly tried to apologize. But the damage was already done.

"Get out, Bones. Just leave." Jim said, his voice shaking. Bones really didn´t want to find out if it was because of tears or anger. But he was Jim´s doctor and friend, he had no right to leave just because he wanted to.

Meanwhile, Jim managed to roll on his left side, silent moan of pain escaping his lips.

"What has he done to you?" McCoy whispered, leaning above Jim. Kirk didn´t want to discuss it, he didn´t want Bones to be there. He hoped he would die in the very next moment.

"Jim, talk to me. Please."

"I don´t wanna talk," Jim muttered. He didn´t dare to send Bones away by a longer sentence, he was afraid McCoy would hear pain in his voice. The last thing he wanted was a hypo.

"You know I don´t care." Bones responded. He sat back into the chair, giving Jim some space but letting him know he wouldn´t leave him be.

"What happened?" McCoy started to get demanding.

"Nothing," Jim wept. That quick movement to get away from Bones was too much for his sore body. He hid his face in the cold pillow, teeth gritted in effort not to scream.

"Now you really offend me. Do you think I´m that stupid?" Bones said sadly.

"No," Jim breathed into the pillow as tears ran down his cheeks, gently soaking into the fabric under his face. It was too much to bear, even without the pain Spock had left in his heart.

"I want to help you." Bones was desperate. Jim wasn´t usually so withdrawn; something was definitely wrong.

"I know," Jim bit his lower lip. He didn´t want to tell Bones what was the matter, even though he heard the concern in his friends voice. He didn´t want to admit his body ached because he didn´t want to look weak. He didn´t want to let Bones know about those messed feelings towards Spock, because he didn´t understand them himself. He wanted to be alone and that was the only thing McCoy didn´t intend to give him.

"Jim, he shouldn´t have left after you woke up. I know it. I have no idea why did he do it." Bones took another breath. Did he really try to defend Spock? He promised himself a thorough scan for any psychological issues. "But hell, he spent all the time here. He watched you sleep and he did that scary Vulcan yoga here."

"He betrayed me," Jim murmured, his mind not accepting Bones´ words at all.

"Damn you, Jim. He spent all fucking days here with you. Can you please tell me what had he done wrong?"

"He left"" Came the silent reply. Jim wanted to wipe the tears away from his face, but he knew Bones would notice, so he let them there.

"And that´s all? I mean yeah, he shouldn´t have, but could you please look at me and tell me what else is the problem?" Bones didn´t believe Jim would act like that if it was only this. That wasn´t like Jim. He acted like a hurt animal…

Bones immediately stood up and before Jim could notice what he was doing, moved to see Kirk´s face. The Captain didn´t have enough time to hide the weary expression of suffering, shining traces of tears on his cheeks or shivering that made Jim´s body look even weaker. McCoy squatted so his eyes were in level of Jim´s. Neither of them had known Spock had been in the same position only couple of minutes ago.

Kirk shut his eyes, unable to find enough strength to move again. He didn´t want Bones to stare at him, to know he was hurt or – in the worst case – pity him. He knew he wouldn´t be able to stand that.

"Jim. You don´t have to stand alone against everything." Leonard hated comforting people because he knew pretty well that he wasn´t the best person to do so. His life was a mess and he didn´t think he should advise others about their messes. Sometimes, he envied Spock his Vulcan side – he could just hide behind it and pretend he wasn´t able to deal with humans at all. Bones knew it was not right and maybe even hypocritical a bit – wasn´t he doing it as well, sometimes? Being – as Jim called it – all grumpy? Maybe it was his way to be a Vulcan too. The point was that he wanted to help and was able to do so. Spock simply couldn´t stand it and just ran away from Jim, whatever happened between them. Bones made an imaginary note to talk to the hobgoblin later.

"I know, you´re a Captain and all that stuff around and I understand it´s important that you have respect of your crew because this barge is a mess even with that. But you know, you´re my friend, and friends talk to each other." Bones waited for Jim´s response but hoped it would come soon. His legs were actually getting a bit uncomfortable. Kirk´s eyes were still stubbornly sealed. Bones sighed.

"Do you think I like this? Do you think it pleases me in some way?" He growled at the Captain. He watched the lustrous paths Jim´s tears had left on his skin. Kirk looked so desperate, so lonely and with those tears that made Bones pity this poor man. He reminded him of children left on streets; alone, unwanted, miserable. He reached for Jim, to touch his face, to let him know he was there, unlike others. Even though it was technically only the Doctor´s fault Jim was alone because he sent almost everybody away.

His finger brushed against Jim´s face and he quickly pulled away. Kirk was so damn hot. How come he didn´t know that? His temperature couldn´t have increased so much during the past few minutes, that wasn´t possible. Yeah, just like it wasn´t possible to survive that fall. Bones stood up and went to get a hypo. This had better be controlled.


	10. Take over

_**Thank you all for staying with me. This chapter is little bit shorter, but you´ll see why. Enjoy. :)**_

_**Also, huge thanks for Rubyhair who is still my beta! :)**_

* * *

"Spock, come to the Medbay, please. I need to use some of your Vulcan strength." McCoy stared at Jim who was having what appeared to be a seizure. He watched him with worry. Jim looked thin and weak what weren´t words usually associated with Captain Kirk and yet he was so strong in his seizure nobody could approach him and endeavor any contact with him. Bones didn´t know why it was possible because in past few hours he´d noticed Jim was not able to even sit up. And now, three men weren´t able to keep him down in the bed.

Bones was at a loss; he couldn´t understand what was happening. He had never seen anything like it; not even when he injected Khan´s blood into Jim´s body. He could understand the quick healing. It was unbelievable and incredible, but it was within the realm of what was possible, given the circumstances. His weakness was less logical – Bones hated using this word – but it still could be explained; Kirk´s body had put too much energy into the healing and needed to recover. McCoy thought it was weird but it wasn´t impossible. if Jim was weak, why was it so difficult to pin him under the blanket and force him to drink melissa tea for better sleep? There was no explanation at all.

"Is Captain having a nightmare again?" Spock asked simply as he ran into the Medbay. Bones nodded and quickly led Spock to Jim. The Vulcan caught sight of movement before they even reached the Captain. Just when they entered the area where Jim laid, Kirk breathed out with such a painful moan Spock almost had to cover his ears. Leonard´s eyes widened as he heard it and having seen Spock's reaction out of the corner of his eye, quickly moved aside as Spock made a beeline for Jim's side.

The Vulcan walked quickly to Jim´s left side and watched him for a while. He was sure there was some weak point in Kirk´s defense, some place where he could touch him. Yes, it wasn´t combat and Jim´s actions weren´t intentional yet Spock believed he had a chance to succeed if he had enough information and used his knowledge. Bones observed Spock with frustration. Jim could hurt himself; the longer his body wasn´t controlled the more probably he would get injured.

After few painful minutes Spock´s hand quickly moved under Jim´s arms and it didn´t take him long to find the right place to stun Jim; he squeezed the nerve bundle spot above Jim´s collarbone gently and with such care Bones thought it wouldn´t be enough to render Jim temporarily immobile. Bones silently envied Spock this ability, he´d always wanted to be able to do it. Kirk calmed down, arms outstretched in a rather strange position, eyes shut tightly. Spock hesitantly reached for Jim´s face, he wanted to relieve his pain as he secretly did many times before. But he couldn't do it with Bones behind his back, he didn´t want to face person who knew very well how private Spock´s actions were.

Instead he brushed away Jim´s hair and even through that brief touch he felt Jim´s fear and pain. Spock stiffened slightly as he felt Jim's suffering, the cold wash of dread, as if these feelings were his own. Spock was determined to figure out what had happened. He remained silent and watched his Captain who now laid peacefully, breathed regularly and obviously felt better.

The Commander´s eyes met Doctor´s but neither of them answered their unspoken question. They didn´t talk in fear they would wake Jim up even though he would not be aware of his whereabouts. "What if?" Bones moved his head in the direction of his office and Spock simply nodded, giving Jim one last glimpse. McCoy left and Spock wanted to follow him but before he could move, something had gripped his hand. He almost yelled like a scared human child that was very inappropriate for a Vulcan but his human side didn´t care – he almost freaked out.

"Spock, don´t leave me," Spock turned around slowly, afraid of what he would see. Jim should have been unconscious for 2.45 more minutes and yet Spock was free from doubts that Captain sounded very awake.

Jim´s big shining eyes were opened widely and unquestionably focused on Spock. Kirk´s gaze was upon him and it was definitely a look of an awakened person. Spock felt Jim´s grip on his hand very sharply, it was rather unpleasant and not only because of all those emotions he was forced to share with him. Jim was strong, much stronger than any human Spock had met before, but that was because of the blood of Khan in Captain´s vessels. However the Captain had seemed to be quite weak in the last week or so.

"I will not leave you if you want me to stay here, Captain," Spock said and tried to free his wrist from Jim´s fingers which was not particularly easy. He knew his fingers didn´t have enough blood in them and it worried him. Jim didn´t seem to be in a mood for a rational conversation. And Spock realised he was vulnerable. Kirk was stronger than him and if he refused to let Spock´s hand go, he had to accept it.

"Don´t leave me. He´ll come again. I don´t want him to come." Jim whispered and stared so hard at Spock he almost felt Kirk could see through him.

"I don´t want to see him. He threatens me. He wants something, but I don´t have it. I don´t have it." Jim´s eyes were fixed firmly on one place that was apparently somewhere on Spock´s chest. "I don´t have it. I don´t want him to return."

"Captain, nobody is coming. Nobody wants anything from you. It is just me and doctor McCoy. We want to help you." Spock whispered and sat down beside Jim, carefully avoiding Captain´s body.

"No, you don´t understand. He´s here, all the time. He wants something. I don´t have it." Jim blinked many times. "I don´t want to have anything. I would give it to him, I would give up anything to keep him from coming, but I don´t have it. And he doesn´t understand. He wants it. I don´t have it."

"May I ask what is that thing you are referring to?" Spock asked; not that he actually expected any answer.

"He´ll come back for it. He´ll get it after all. I´ve gotta give it to him. I´ve gotta find out what he wants and give it to him. I don´t have it, but I can get it." Jim´s speech made as much sense as instructions given to some electric device. And Spock wasn´t any nearer to getting his hand back either.

"Everything is alright. You do not have to worry. Nothing is going to hurt you, not when I am around. Nothing can approach you when I am here, right? So I will stay here and you can rest." Spock didn´t want to stay by Jim´s side. He knew this was endangering his plan to stay away from the Captain, but he couldn´t really do anything else. He tried to tell himself he did it only because of his hand.

"You don´t get it. He will come and take you away. And Bones and Scotty and Uhura and Chekov and Sulu and- " Jim´s voice broke as he burst into tears. Spock was startled; Jim didn´t cry. And yet here he was, clutching Spock´s hand and sobbing as a small child. The half Vulcan was unsure what to do; logically he should try to soothe Jim. However, the words didn´t seem to work and that meant only one thing – Spock had to soothe Jim physically. It didn´t feel unpleasant and that scared Spock a bit. He shouldn´t want to touch anybody.

"Nobody will come anywhere. We are all safe, you are safe." Spock whispered and leant over Jim very slowly. The last thing he wanted was Jim becoming frightened Spock was that person he feared – whomever this "he" was.

"Nobody´s safe. He will seek for it until he gets it." Jim whimpered, finally letting go of Spock´s hand which was very welcome. However Spock didn´t pull away, now he couldn´t. He was very close to Jim, too close to be able to leave him. He bent his elbow and laid down, resting on it, his and Jim´s chests almost touching. He could feel Jim´s breathing that became uneven just as his heart beat that signaled that no matter how weak Jim´s body seemed to be, his heart was not. Jim stopped crying, he wept silently, tears leaving his eyes but he didn´t sob. He couldn´t; every sound remained in his throat as he watched Spock´s face above his.

"So we have to make sure we find it when he comes again," Spock whispered what was in his mind despite having no idea what the words meant because he had lost his verbal filter

Apparently neither did Jim, it didn´t matter anymore. He had his Vulcan so close, too close to stand it. He didn´t care about anything, his fear melted in Spock´s dark, chocolate eyes. He couldn´t really worry with Spock so close to him; Spock will solve everything.

"I waited for you so long," Jim complained, his left hand moving towards Spock´s hip.

"I am very sorry for that. I should have not avoided you." Spock knew he would regret his words later. They were stupid, illogical and most of all, they were lies. They were unforgivable lies because he shouldn´t have been there, saying these words to Jim. He shouldn´t hurt Jim in this way, but his reason was sent to the corner of his mind, allowing all those deeply buried emotions to occur on the surface. Spock knew he wasn´t acting reasonably and he felt dizzy. His proximity to with Jim was wrong, his words were wrong and yet they felt so good he couldn´t force himself to stop it. His Vulcan side shouted on him – in a very delicate manner, of course – to back off, to run away from Jim, to act logically. And unlike usual, this side lost. Spock was fed up with being Vulcan, he was a human too; sometimes he forgot half of every cell of his body was human. There were emotions, feelings, needs; maybe very deep inside, but they were there and right now, he didn´t want to send them back anymore.

Jim´s eyes held Spock in their grasp and didn´t allow him to leave; however he found he did not want to. He was leaning over Jim, their bodies almost touching. There was passion between them, they felt the heat from each other´s chests as much as the attraction that pulled them together. Jim growled as he saw Spock´s alien face approaching his. There was dark, alluring sensation between them and they couldn´t ignore it. Spock hesitated. He shouldn´t give in to his base needs and wishes. It wasn´t possible to overlook it anymore; he was attracted to Jim and couldn´t resist him. He knew he was beyond help when Jim said his name in despair. Spock´s control had already been cracking and very soon fell down in pieces. Why should he care about any Vulcan rules? He was a human as well. And he wanted Jim.

"I will not leave you alone again, I promise," Spock whispered and Jim sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Oh, Spock, just stop talking and kiss me," He groaned, his hands finding Spock´s hips and pulling the Vulcan closer. Spock was so surprised he obeyed. Their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss. Jim closed his eyes immediately, fully enjoying Spock´s body. Soon he repeated what happened before, making the kiss a bit longer, opening his mouth slightly. His fingers found the edge of Spock´s uniform and without him even noticing he started to pull it up Spock´s back. The half Vulcan was aware of the fact that Jim´s hands were moving too quickly for innocent cuddling, but he didn´t care. He leant deeper into their kiss, relaxing more so he laid on Jim´s torso. He knew Jim was almost alright by now, except for his leg but Spock took a good care to avoid it. He wanted to be gentle, but in the rush of events, he couldn't even think. He let Jim lead him as he wasn´t experienced in affection of this kind very much and Kirk seemed to be fine with it. Spock felt his hands were too purposeless; there was not enough of thing he could and wanted to do with them. He pulled away and Jim hissed at him in disappointment.

"You´d better have a reason for this or stop acting foolishly." Kirk´s voice was rough and full of something Spock couldn´t differentiate. It scared him. He heard this voice, the specific sequence of dangerous hisses, threats and seductive whispers. He knew that voice, however it wasn´t easy to use his brain properly with Kirk staring at him like he was.

Spock needed time to think, time he didn't have. He was certain that there was something important happening and that he could not allow Jim to know that he was becoming aware. His brain was in a haze, still overwhelmed with the surge of strong emotions inside of him. But now, he allowed his Vulcan blood to take over and he cooled off quickly. He still wanted Jim, he wanted him so much he knew he would have to think about it later. But it was Jim he wanted and this wasn´t Jim.

He pressed his lips on Jim´s but they didn´t taste the same. His fingers found Jim´s face but the temperature wasn´t right. That whispering voice, seductive, strong, voice of a leader, was not Jim´s.

Spock´s heart almost skipped a beat as he realised what was the problem. These were not Jim´s actions. And they could have been caused by only one thing. Yes technically, they could have been caused by many things, but Spock found only one that made sense.

"Jim, let me go," He pulled away.

"No," Jim´s eyes opened lazily.

"I want to leave," Spock begged. He hoped he sounded more scared than he really felt because if he wasn´t playing this, things were going to be pretty bad.

"I don´t care. You are mine now," Jim snarled.

"I would really appreciate if you let me go," Spock made one last attempt. If Jim had been sane, he would have left him go by now.

"I don´t really care about that, Mr. Spock." Kirk´s lips moved, and so did all his body. Before Spock could understand what was going on, he was rolled over and pinned down to the bed, Kirk on top of him.

"And now, Mr. Spock," Jim´s face formed into a smirk, that clearly belonged on the face of another, "we will have some fun."

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_**Yeah, a cliffhanger! Yay! I love them.:) Sorry everyone, feel free to hate me.**_


	11. Slipping through my fingers

_**Hey there. Here's the new chapter for you, I hope you'll enjoy it. I can't even say how much I love you all for your support, you guys are amazing. Thanks to my beta Rubyhair for checking this for me (and for you as well. :))**_

_**Also, as you may have figured out, this chapter is little slashy, but more for your imagination than in real. :) **_

_**Enjoy and leave me a review please. :)**_

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Spock´s eyes widened. If he didn´t know better, he would say he was frightened. However, he was a Vulcan and Vulcan's found fear illogical and therefore he refused to admit he really felt it. Despite his refusal to admit his fear he swore that was exactly his sentiment. Spock didn´t agree with the statement that fear is illogical. Certainly fear could be detrimental when it was so strong that it paralyzed but it did serve a purpose in all species with the flight or fight response by dumping adrenaline into the system when one was in trouble, which, at that moment, seemed to be the case.

He was pinned to bed by James Tiberius Kirk who wasn´t completely himself. Spock couldn´t say he was pinned to bed by Khan either – Khan was left in his cryotube on Earth millions of years away. It was a quite an illogical situation; they both held him in place and yet neither of them was to blame because they were both too far away. It didn´t make sense but Spock wasn´t in condition to care.

Jim, or whoever was possessing his body, – pressed his lips against Spock´s and after while forced him to open his mouth. As Jim´s tongue met Spock´s, there were a pack of emotions rising up in the Vulcan´s stomach. He was now without doubts scared but he could also feel something new burning inside of him. Something he didn´t dare to name because it was too strong for him to accept it.

Kirk was kissing him roughly with passion and impatience. Spock tried to move his arms but Jim was holding them too tight. He was vulnerable, Jim´s puppet and toy; and even though he was as frustrated as a Vulcan can be and even more, he couldn´t do anything about it. Well, he could try to…yes, bite Jim´s tongue in attempt to wake the real Kirk from the depth of the body that kept him as a prisoner. He could. However, before he dared to do it, Jim´s lips left his. Spock was very aware of their every move even though he wasn´t able to see Kirk´s face. Jim was planting one kiss after another, making his way to Spock´s neck. The half Vulcan tried to struggle but it was as useful as carrying water in a broken bucket.

"Don´t fight, Mr. Spock." Jim pulled away and looked hard at Spock who watched him in awe. This was not Jim, Spock had to remind himself. He felt embarrassment as he realised how much he wanted the real Jim to look at him like this perverse version of him did. "I don´t like naughty boys. Naughty boys need to learn how to behave properly and I´m not a patient teacher. You´d better be good."

Spock groaned. He felt terrible. He had awakened this in Jim by showing him affection and he was unsure what to do. His body was betraying him by increasing heart beat and filling his pants, because Jim was clutching him in deadly grip.

"We´re losing words, aren´t we? Oh, that´s sweet." Jim smiled but there was no joy in it. It scared Spock even more to see Kirk´s face flushed with lust, dark circles underlining his tiredness from nightmares of previous nights. Usually, Jim was handsome, sweet with his bright eyes but now he was beautiful in a very strange way; he was different, scary and yet so attractive Spock had to bit his lip not to give up to him.

"You´re such a teaser, Mr Spock," Jim said in surprise. "I almost believed you really didn´t want me."

"I do not wish to participate in any of your personal ways to satisfy your need to relieve sexual tension within your body," Spock murmured.

Jim didn´t silence him as he had firstly intended to. He watched him with desire and interest. "It doesn´t matter. We have plenty of time. You´ll grow to want me to have sex with you. I assure you, one day you will beg me to fuck you," Jim purred and brought Spock´s hands between their chests. He simply placed them on Spock´s breast and laid down on them again. Spock tried to free himself but he didn´t succeed.

"You still have fight in you? That´s not good. We will have to do without some fun when you obviously need more education." Jim leant down and caught Spock´s lower lip between his teeth. Spock didn´t struggle and yet he felt sharp pain in it. He shifted uncomfortably as he realised it just heated him up.

"Sh, sh, don´t move. I´m teaching." Jim whispered and licked Spock´s lip, swallowing the tiny drop of green blood that had occurred after Kirk had bit Spock´s mouth. It tasted strange, not like human blood and yet, Jim felt he couldn't get enough of it.

He placed soft kisses on Spock´s cheeks, only gentle ones. Spock felt love soaking into his skin, he felt himself full of Jim´s love; nevertheless most of it was just animal lust, unlike what Spock had felt from Jim before.

Kirk´s hands gently rolled Spock´s face so he didn´t look at Jim. For a while he couldn´t feel Jim´s lips or fingers and he was a bit nervous. He wanted to turn his head to look around, but warm hands stopped him; Spock closed his eyes in anticipation of pain. Instead, soft fingertips began to draw circles on Spock´s neck; the half Vulcan felt goosebumps all over his body despite the temperature was normal if not even hot.

"You have such a beautiful, soft skin, Mr. Spock. I´ve always wanted to touch you," Jim whispered into his ear, voice full of desire. Spock closed his eyes more tightly as he felt so many emotions flowing into him through Jim´s fingers. The place where their skins touched seemed to sparkle, at least Spock felt an odd mixture of feelings there.

"And I've always wanted to try this. Are your ears erogenous? Or are they pointy just to attract others? Either way, it definitely worked on me." Jim murmured, his hot breath tickling on Spock´s neck. The Vulcan didn´t think it was necessary to tell Jim his ears were pointy just to make his hearing better. Moreover, he didn´t really know. Maybe they were erogenous or attractive; he had never thought about it before. He didn´t know if it was attractive, he´d never considered himself to be very attractive – not that he thought about it too much – and he´d spent too much of his life away from Vulcan so he hadn´t felt any need to do any research concerning attractiveness of Vulcan ears. He simply accepted them, there wasn´t anything to do if a Vulcan didn´t like his ears – however it was stupid. Why should a Vulcan care about his looks? As far as he was healthy, clean and dressed properly, there wasn´t real need to care for something like that. Vulcans didn´t choose their partners because of what they looked like.

Spock almost yelped as he felt Jim´s teeth on his ear. That was weird. Why would anyone want to lick his ear? And yet it was happening. As he allowed the sensation to enter his brain, he found out it wasn´t as unpleasant as he had thought somebody biting some part of his body would be. On the contrary, he found it to be a very enjoyable experience.

No! It made him shiver because these weren´t the thoughts he´d wanted to have in that situation. He had to concentrate to get away from Kirk before he could do something he would regret in the future; Spock felt responsible for that as Jim wasn´t in any condition to decide what to do.

Spock laid still for a while, relaxing as much as possible. He hoped that if he made Kirk believe he was submitting, he might lose concentration and let Spock slip away. The Vulcan couldn´t understand it. Jim had been barely able to breathe and in the very next moment he had been able keep a Vulcan from moving. No human should be able to hold a Vulcan still; and surely not the one who had been unable to sit up.

"Jim. I must insist on you letting me go. You are badly injured and you should not exhaust yourself," Spock said quickly and at the same time, tried to move Jim. He wanted to move his legs, to kick Jim, however Spock he found himself unable to cause more damage to his thigh. Jim moved from Spock´s ear, leaving his saliva on the tip of it. The Vulcan fought the wish to plead with Jim to wipe it away.

"Don´t worry about me, Mr. Spock. I can handle my small scratches as well as you. I appreciate your worries but they are very redundant." Jim moved a bit farther from Spock, watching eyes of his victim.

"Please, Jim. Come back, this is not you. You would regret your actions when you regain control over your mind. Please. I do not want you to be hurt this way." Spock whispered, eyes wide and full of concern. If it had truly been Jim, he would never have wanted to do anything against Spock´s will. But this was not Jim, he had to remind himself.

"I assure you I´m very aware of myself," Jim hissed, "Are you scared, Spock? Tell me. The always unbeatable, strong, emotionless Vulcan, being trapped by only a human. Is it frustrating? Does it hurt your Vulcan non-pride?" Kirk leant on Spock´s chest again. They stared at each other for a long time; dark eyes pleading the blue ones to open into a single mind. It was useless, Spock only managed to make Jim grin at him.

"You´re a very interesting person. You try to convince me you don´t want this, but even Vulcans don´t have control of everything, do they?" Kirk took Spock´s lower lip between his teeth and bit it, playfully, gently.

"Or is it just you? Is it that human part in you that makes you weak? Is it your human part that lets me know you can´t deny that you are attracted to me, that you want me?" Jim´s tongue demanded entry into Spock´s mouth that was hesitatingly granted. Spock knew he was losing; was defeated by this strange creature that took over his Captain. He hated himself as much as his Vulcan mind allowed him to. He should help his Captain – _his friend_ – to get back to power and instead he just encouraged what was killing Jim. Spock hoped not literally.

"Talk to me, Spock. I want to know everything about you. Why do you resist me? I just want to get to know you, I want to be with you. We both want it, don´t we? Why don´t you submit to your wishes?" Jim was breathing into Spock´s mouth, silently, alluringly. The Vulcan felt dizzy; Jim´s speech was so right, so _logical_. Why shouldn´t he? He wanted Jim, he has wanted him for quite a long time by now. Why did he struggle?

"You know we are meant for each other. You have to feel it, with your Vulcan senses. You have to know keeping me away from you is illogical. You may lie to yourself, you can pretend, but you know I´m right." Kirk leant on his left arm and fingertips of his right hand brushed Spock´s delicate eyebrows. "And your body knows it as well. Admit it, Spock. You want me."

"It is not relevant whether I feel attracted to you, Captain, sexually or anyhow else. You are injured and you should rest." Spock swallowed as Kirk´s index finger trailed on the line of his jaw.

"And besides, I don´t need rest. I´m perfectly fine, thanks for asking. I want to be with you right now." Jim grinned and stopped his finger on Spock´s chin. "And I´m glad you accepted you want me. It´ll be much easier for you once you give up to what you want."

"I have said no such thing," Spock countered.

"But you haven´t said otherwise. And since I can choose how to interpret your answer, I think I heard you say yes. Moreover, your body is not really helping you in your silly attempt to lie to me." Kirk placed his finger on Spock´s lips as he tried to say something.

"Shh, it´s alright. I don´t mind that you lost your Vulcan control, Spock. You shouldn´t want to be a Vulcan all the time. You´re a human as well, you can show something. I´m not offended that you have an erection, Spock." Jim smirked as he saw green tint on Spock´s pale cheeks. He moved so he was lying on his forearms placed on both sides of Spock´s head.

"It pleases me, you know. It´s not something to be ashamed of. It happens. Speaking of this…" Kirk had moved quickly before Spock could stop him. He knelt up, holding Spock´s shoulders firmly. The Vulcan´s eyes followed him with fear. Jim shouldn´t even move his leg, let alone kneeling on it. Spock opened his mouth to say so aloud, but he was stopped. He didn´t get time to talk because right in that moment, Kirk´s right hand began to move down his chest and stomach, towards the most intimate part of his body. Spock felt it even more and he tried to fight but he couldn´t. He did want that. He wanted Jim to touch him, to make him feel loved. However, he wanted his Jim to be the one, not this strange, animal Kirk.

"I can release the tension. You know that, don´t you? And you want me to. Don´t try to deny it, I see your face. It´s alright, you don´t have to feel guilty or anything, you´ll pay your debt soon." Kirk´s long fingers unbuttoned Spock´s pants easily, the zipper right behind. Spock took a deep breath and his heart began to beat even faster. Jim´s hand followed the line of Spock´s underwear, fingers tenderly touching the skin right above the hem. Spock closed his eyes to fight the image of Jim´s face from his mind. He knew the touch was bad enough for his concentration but the fact those fingers were Jim´s, that he was captured by Jim, that the tension he felt in his boxers was for Jim put the whole situation on a completely new level. Spock had known about his attraction to his Captain but he meant to hide it forever. But he was weaker than he thought he was.

"Do you have your name on your briefs, Spock?" Kirk rolled the hem down, exposing bigger part of Spock´s body. "Do you put your name on everything you claim, Spock?"

The sound Kirk got as a reply was very different from what he usually heard from his First Officer. He smirked as he saw Spock´s expression. Yes, there was restraint but he knew Spock would give up soon. There wasn´t anything that would stop him from tying Spock to him.

"Where are you, hobgoblin?! I don´t have all my day for ya, I have work to do. How long do you think I will-What the fuck?!" Spock´s eyes flew open quicker than he thought was possible. He wasn´t wrong; it was really Doctor McCoy, staring at them. Spock used that small moment of surprise to shake Kirk off himself. He stood up immediately, fixing his clothes as though nothing had just happened.

Kirk stared at him for a while before turning to growl at Bones. Leonard gazed at his friend who was kneeling on bed, suddenly very healthy and strong. Jim almost closed his eyes as he watched the Doctor through his eyelashes. His lips were shut tightly, pressed together to form a thin line.

"Get out of here, Bones," He barked at the doctor who remained still because of shock. "Now. This is between me and Spock. Get out!"

"What the hell is going on?! Is this some kind of stupid prank or what?!" Bones yelled at Jim. When he saw Spock´s expression, he understood the situation was far more serious than he thought. Quickly, he reached for a hypo but he found out he didn´t have any.

"It´s none of your business." Kirk growled. Before he could add something more to his speech, Spock had regained awareness of his surroundings. He moved very fast and before he realised what he was doing, his fingers were clutching Jim´s nerve pinched body.

Bones glared at the Vulcan over unconscious form of his best friend. It took him a little while to remember his duties as a medical officer. He wanted to ask Spock to help him turn Jim on his back, but when he saw the Vulcan´s face, he rather did it himself. _Damnit, now I have two patients instead of one. I really should ask for more money._ He thought to himself as he turned Jim´s body around. He thought Spock would come closer to inspect Jim´s wounds with him, but it didn´t happen. Instead Spock stood exactly on the spot he had been a minute ago, staring blankly in front of himself. McCoy doubted he had any idea of where he was.

Bones decided to check Jim before trying to understand Spock´s problem. He pulled Jim´s hospital gown up to see the injury on his thigh. Or better say, what had once been an injury. He ran his fingers across the healed flesh. Only this morning the wound was opened. He looked up to call Spock to look at it, but he noticed an almost painful expression on his face. Spock had closed his eyes and his breathing was visibly accelerated. McCoy gave Jim one last look, deciding he was out of danger, and moved to find out what was wrong with Spock.

"Spock? Can you hear me Initially he thought to touch Spock reassuringly but after thinking for a minute of how strong he was, thought better of it and backed out of his personal space, and waited. He waited patiently for five minutes but didn't get any reply; saw no movement what-so-ever, except breathing and blinking.

So, he decided to try again, "Spock. Please. I promise I won´t ask you anything. Just let me know you´re okay." Bones felt strange as he talked to Spock this way. Their usual conversation consisted of Spock saying something in his Vulcan way and Bones grumbling, incidentally adding some of his favourite nicknames he´d given Spock. This was… just damn strange. The few times Spock had been his patient before usually required only physical attention and there was no need to change their usual way of talking to each other. Bones complained that Vulcan´s had 'stupid anatomy' and he was‚ a doctor, not a discoverer of new species' to what Spock responded with all his logic and arguments what usually angered Bones even more. It was pleasant, normal and McCoy secretly enjoyed this banter; not that he would admit it. Spock was very comfortable with staying emotionless about it.

But this was something different. Bones knew something was obviously wrong. Spock was either suffering from some serious disease, or he was only pretending so and that might have alarmed McCoy even more. If Spock was up to something, he was definitely ill.

"Okay, I´m worried now. I´ll sign any piece of paper you´ll give me to confirm I was afraid you were gonna die. But wake the fuck up, hobgoblin!" Bones didn´t understand what was going on and it made him angry. He preferred to be in control of things, especially of what was going on in his Medbay.

"Damn you. I´m gonna touch you now, so if you don´t want me to because of that Vulcan stuff, you´d better give a fuck now." Leonard was aware of Spock´s height and superior strength, but he was a fucking doctor, he had to help him if he was really ill. Even though he didn´t look like that only minutes ago. Bones had to close his eyes to fight that memory. He knew this was going to scare him for some time – the image of Jim prepared to dive into Spock's pants for blow job; Spock´s obviously positive reaction to it and the absurdity of the fact it had happened in McCoy´s Sickbay when he had assumed Jim was unconscious.

"Well then, you asked for it. Crap, this is weird. You know, if you punch me in the face now, I´m gonna write some serious report about you." Leonard took a step towards Spock, waiting for any sign of movement from the Vulcan. The last thing he wanted was Spock smashing him with bare hands. But nothing happened. He hadn´t dared to touch Spock yet, but he was surely closer to Spock than he normally was or wanted to be.

He ran his tricorder along Spock´s body, trying to determine if there was any internal injury caused even though he doubted it. Spock seemed to be physically alright, apart from excessive breathing and increased heart rate. It was weird – the Vulcan stood still as if he was in some sort of hibernation and yet his vital functions were too evident to support that kind of theory. Bones ended his scan to find nothing wrong with the Vulcan. He frowned as he murmured something about dumb captains and weird Vulcans.

"What´s the matter with you, Spock?" He asked absent-mindedly as he tried to think of a less dangerous way to wake the Vulcan up then touching him. After a while he admitted that if there was a way, he couldn´t see it. With sigh and annoyed muttering that he should have never gone to Starfleet, he reached his hand and placed it on Spock´s chest, on the place where humans had heart.

Spock jerked away, eyes opening quickly. Bones saw pure panic on his face that surprised him; he had never expected to see such an expression related to a Vulcan. But it was there and he could not ignore it even when Spock pushed it away and stared at him, eyes unseeing.

"Spock. Are you in there?" Bones asked carefully, not willing to get hurt.

"Affirmative." Came the quiet, shaken response.

"Do you want to talk?" Bones felt weird. However, Spock needed medical help now and he was the one providing so aboard the _Enterprise_. Of course, there were some other people, but McCoy was sure this was a delicate thing and should be treated appropriately, especially with Spock running the ship now. _Damn it. Captain is a mess and First officer just freaked out. The best ship Starfleet has, indeed._

"Negative," Spock stared blankly at Bones who refused to think the former saw him.

"Whatever weird this seems, I order you to go to bed. Fuck, Spock, you can´t go to work like this. You´d scare everybody." McCoy shrugged as he felt uneasy. "Hell, this is weird. But you really look like shit. Just go to your room and do that Vulcan yoga or whatever you do to calm down. You need that."

"Affirmative," Spock mumbled again. Leonard´s eyebrows moved up his forehead and as he watched the Vulcan turn around with a blind gaze and walk away.


End file.
